“I just died in your arms” sounds much more romantic than “You’re holding a dead body.”
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I can never say the word “rural” without sounding like Scooby Doo.
My credit card was confiscated three days ago.
Jeff bezos just called to make sure I was okay.
walgreen’s cashier: how’s your evening going?
me: WELL IM BUYING LICE SHAMPOO HERE RACHEL SO NOT TOO GREAT SO FAR
If I am ever killed by a koala bear, I hope whoever finds me just tells people I was killed by a bear
The term ‘monkeying around’ makes sense to me, monkeys are silly animals. ‘Horsing around’ pisses me off though, it’s very, very disrespectful… Pretty much every horse I’ve met has a job
[weapons store]
ME: *holding up a spare pin* Has anybody seen my grenade?
FAKE BREEDS I’VE TOLD PEOPLE MY DOG IS AT THE DOG PARK: Venetian Dabney, Brown Feta, Waxbeard, Oxnard Pike, Blue Hustler, High Presbyterian
Will Smith isn’t special. I’m not invited to the Oscars for the next ten years either.
Her: Wow… You really cleaned up the place
A cockroach with a little bow-tie waddles by
Me: Anything for you baby girl
boss: can i see u in my office
me: [putting on camo jacket] i guess we’ll find out
Let’s be honest, murdering someone before coffee would be pretty lackluster. I’d probably be too tired to even get the job done.
I love snow
– People who never shovel
Why did the belt get arrested?
He held up pants.Please don’t block me.
I thought about giving up my sexual innuendo tweets but it’s too hard.
My autocorrect changes cunts to China. Hey don’t blame me. I’m not the racist code programmer.
my daughter hones her survival instincts by forgoing the provided bowl and spreading goldfish crackers all over the house to forage & store
interviewer: what are your strengths?
me: I know where you live
When I was a kid I thought 40 was really really old and now I’ve discovered I was right.
Amazon Review: A History of Criminals
★★★☆☆Not a bad book. Prose and cons.
Before crowbars crows drank alone
[therapy]
“Where does your fear of spiders come from?”
*flashback to Spider-Man trying to kiss me behind Applebees*
They’re just creepy okay
(Disney Dating Tips)
1.Kidnap Dad
2.Coerce Daughter
3.Awkward music-filled dates
4.Angry mob danger
5.Stockholm Syndrome
-Beauty & the Beast
Yes, I’m English.
No, I can’t speak British to you.
No, I don’t know the Queen.
No, I don’t want a spot of tea.
BRITISH PERSON: cheerio
AMERICAN: cheerio cream filled deep fried flamin hot donut burger
That’s amazing.
Jesus: man shall not live by bread alone
Me: *mouthful of cheese* halleluryurrr
Guys, if you forget your girl’s birthday, just look into her eyes and say, “I love you.” Then run, because that is not going to help.
The Titannic: Be gentle, it’s my first time.
Iceberg: Okay, just the tip.
Surprise your partner in bed by dying in your sleep
Helpful sayings when keys are lost:
“They must be somewhere”
“Where did you last see them?”
“They’ll turn up”
“What do they look like?”
“Have you checked your pockets?”
“And you’re sure you’ve checked everywhere?”
“They’ll be in the last place you look”
“You had them earlier”