I just don’t get life insurance. Why would I want to give my family a financial incentive to kill me?
You Might Also Like
As a tall girl, spending less time on Twitter was a business decision that I made after discovering that my arms have a longer reach than my tweets.
My autocorrect changed “today’s meeting” to “today’s meltdown”.
Yes phone, that’s correct.
SON: Why did mommy leave?
ME: You know how in your fav movie the t-rex fights the velociraptors even though it might die?
SON: Yeah
ME: She said that shit was fake yo
hey babe come look at the cat. he looks the same as he always does and hes just sitting there. babe come look. hey come look at the cat
Arby’s is good, no bird problem, very few bird in restaurant, Arby’s, “where there are not very many birds” that’s our new slogan
All you guys crying about stepping on Legos, have you ever stepped on a Barbie shoe? Heel pointing up????
carnivorous animals (thinking): i’m hungry… i could really go for something smaller than me. an animal which is smaller than me would hit rn…
Bruce Willis is talking to a parrot. “I’m Bruce Willis” he says. The parrot repeats it. “yeah right” Bruce says, but is secretly worried
B
If you drive a Hummer, I will assume you are a douchebag. If aforementioned Hummer is bright yellow, I will crown you their king.
“I DON’T WEAR PANTS ON THE WEEKEND!” – I shout out to everyone at the grocery store as the officer bundles me into the back of the police car.
High school teachers: “Your college profs aren’t going to be as lenient as we are.”
College profs: “Sorry I’m late I didn’t want to come.”
“Great. Like the short arms thing wasn’t humiliating enough.”
😏😏😏
DAD: you need to look out for people
ME: yes we’re all in this together
[thump thump]
ME [slams on brakes] omg what was that?!
DAD: as I was saying
I’m sick of everybody in this house.
-me, who lives alone.
I’m not saying my house is haunted, but something just growled in here. It can’t see me if I hide under the covers right?
“What’s your name?”
“Who’s your daddy?”
“Is he rich like me?”These “reset your password” questions are getting kind of weird.
Me: Got my finger stuck in this beer bottle.
Wife: How?!
M: Just help me.
W: Have you tried butter?
M: It’s delicious. Now will you help me?
Me: “I like you.”
Date: “I like you, too.”
Me: “Well this just got boring.”
What even happened today?
if you actually do the calculations, it turns out movies always give the wrong answers for equations because otherwise they owe a royalty to math
I’d argue, but it’s like talking to a wall.
Therapist: Do you have a support system?
Me: I have a lumbar pillow.
Therapist: No, I mean a family, friends?
Me: I have a lumbar pillow.
why do baby clothes have pockets, who is going up to a baby and saying here hold this
A girl who bullied me in junior high just friended me on Facebook. Her three kids are named after trees. I win.
I want a pet eagle that’s trained to steal people’s sandwiches for me.
Alexa: remind me to feed the baby
I am 30 minutes into home schooling my 6 year old. I suggest that all school teachers are paid £1m per year from now on.
If video games were truly to blame for violent acts drive by turtle flinging would be at an all time high.