I just don’t think a partridge in a pear tree would make a great gift
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[In line at Starbucks]
[Woman behind me talking] I work in an office with 50% men so-
[Excitedly turn around] OMG YOU WORK WITH CENTAURS
Hi I’m in my forties and I cry when I drop something on the floor and have to bend over and pick it up.
im an adult! i make my own bedtimes! i’ll stay up all night and function at a fraction of my capacity! like a giant grown-up lethargic baby!
A vegan walks into a bar and doesn’t say anything because the person who has never seen star wars is going on about never seeing star wars.
WHY DO WE ALLOW OTHER COUNTRIES TO TAG THEIR NAME ON TO SOMETHING AND SELL US LIES WHEN THEY DO IT WRONG? CANADIAN BACON? ENGLISH MUFFINS?
[ opening mail ]
Her: The homeowners association made a new rule saying that we cannot display fake blood or any character from a horror film in the front yards of the neighborhood this year.
Me: What?!
Her: Guess you’ll have to do something nice using just pumpkins.
Me:
My husband and kids have started humming Darth Vader’s Imperial March whenever I walk into the room and I’ve never felt more complete
Dog: BORK BORK BORK
Human: STOP BARKINGHow Dog Interprets this exchange
Dog: LOUD NOISES
Human: ALSO LOUD NOISES
Dog: O COOL WE R MAKIN LOUD NOISES TOGETHER NOW FREN LETS KEEP GOIN
Human: MORE LOUD NOISES
Dog: UR SO GOOD AT THIS
Drugs don’t kill people, people who run out of drugs kill people
*clicks on hotel tv’s Adult Zone*
“Oh hell yeah.”
*it’s just a bunch of people paying bills and doing yard work*
“…Oh hell yeah.”
Everything’s free if you learn to mimic the beep of the self-checkout scanner
I’ve got 99 chores but I ain’t done one. ~Lay-Z
Amy Winehouse’s final album was “recorded before her death.” Thanks for the clarification.
[Chasing a dog on my bike]
Me *breathlessly* how is he reaching the pedals?!
My resume says, “GIMME A JOB,” I’ve had four recruiters reach out and tell me to stop watching career TikTok for advice.
A wedding is like inviting your family and friends to the dock to watch you leave England on the Titanic.
The great thing about having pet insurance is that while our labrador is at the vets, they’ve given us a courtesy poodle to hang out with.
Let’s be honest Jurassic Park is about capitalistic hubris not science gone wrong. The science went gloriously right
“Your optimism for the future makes me think you’re not paying attention.”
My mum: It’s a baby shower. Just write “congratulations”.
#truestory #puppylove #dogsonsofas
My appearance can best be described as “hopefully he has a good personality.”
My wife just keeps adding throw pillows to our bed that have to go on in a particular order and I feel like I’m playing some kind of high stakes Tetris where if I’m wrong I lose the house
I started to keep a notepad beside the bed so that I can write down tweets at night, so far I have:
Really shitty handwriting in the dark.
I know a couple who’s kids names are Zayden, Izyan and Fender. They just named their new dog Dan.
My 5yo doesn’t always play his harmonica, but when he does, it’s at 6:33 in the morning.
Remember when we used to call the “self check-out” – ‘Theft’?
1965~ Wow Cher looks good
1985 ~ Wow Cher looks good
1995 ~ Wow Cher looks good
2020 ~Wow Cher looks good
3035 ~ Wow Cher looks good
I sure hope skinny jeans are still in fashion. After all the calories I consumed over the holidays that’s what all my pants are now.
[my last day as a transplant surgeon]
Oh, my bad! I thought you said “kid knees.”