I just don’t understand how moats ever went out of style.
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Millions stunned and blindsided to learn Tim Allen had been on a network sitcom for like the last six years or something
Cucumbers hate becoming pickles. For them, it’s a jarring experience.
it took 26 tries to get this “messy” bun to look just right and he asked why I didn’t do my hair today, so I hit him with the shovel
officer: fair enough
Greatest Fears:
-Sharks
-Ebola
-Bears
-Bear Sharks
-Bear Sharks with Ebola
-Sharks with Lazers
-Man carrying a clipboard on the sidewalks
Post natal depression is a serious condition. I’m 38 years old and my mum still bursts into tears every time she sees me.
Just dyed a bald eagle red, white & blue & forced my family to eat 3 apple pies each. We’re all crying. It’s awesome.
I like to put powdered sugar around my nose before Zoom meetings
Some are mad Trump won.
Others are mad that the anti-Trumps are mad.
I’m mad that you open up a new bag of chips and it’s only 1/3 full.
You’re going to have to be just a tiny bit more specific for me, bud
me: my cup runneth over…
sperm bank receptionist: please take that off the counter.
I wake my daughter up by tossing pebbles at her window so the first time a suitor tries she’ll have the same response we do to alarm clocks
The bakery used a white paper bag instead of a brown one like they knew these croissants are prescription.
ME: Oh, Sky Butler, help me in my hour of need.
GOD: I told you to stop calling me that.
ME: Okay, but I can’t find my keys.
My girlfriend wants me to stain the new wooden fence in her backyard. So I’m going to eat spaghetti over it for a few weeks
[first day as police sketch artist]
“Yes those are dog ears. I wanted to give the killer a touch of whimsy.”
THIS IS THE POLICE.
COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.“Wrong house guys.”
ARE YOU SURE ABOUT THAT?
“Yup, happens a lot.”
OKAY COOL, SORRY.
What do people who ask, “do you think I am an idiot?” and get mad when we say “yes”, want from us?
Jesus: My moms a virgin.
Olive Oil: Well my moms an extra virgin.
friend: have u seen garfield as spiderman?
me: omg not yet is there a tail hole in his suit??
friend: it’s andrew garf-
me: *nodding, sitting back down* andrew garfield
I just tried to steal a gummy worm from my kid’s candy bag and EVERY ONE OF THEM HAS A BITE TAKEN OUT.
Well played, little dude. Well played.
you: ant-man
me, an intellectual: uncle
Earth: Sorry, but I love the sun now, and nothing’s going to come between us.
Moon: *throws shade*
Nice try, evening news, but there’s nothing as scary as the three times I woke up accidentally pregnant
11: can I see one of your last tweets?
Me: *pulls up tweet*
11: no, I meant a funny one
Taylor Swift: Hey babe, could you make dinner tonight?
Taylor Swift’s bf: Aw babe I’m really tired tonight
Taylor Swift: (making direct eye contact, slowly reaching for guitar)
Taylor Swift’s bf: I’ll go check the fridge
My mom just told me that one of her coworkers taught a first grader who spoke in a British accent
Which isn’t that weird at all—until you take into account that his parents are from here, they have no accents & their son somehow adopted an entire dialect from watching Peppa Pig
My 1-year-old found a jar of Play-Doh.
I figured she couldn’t do any harm if she couldn’t open it.
She threw it at her sister’s head.
Just had an email from a reader who is a vegetarian. Complaining about too much vegan food on menus. And asking for my sympathy and support. I intend to think very seriously about this issue.
*writes in climate’s year book “Best of luck. Don’t ever change!”*
jesus: (on the cross) you know what i could really go for right now? a hard-boiled egg