according to my research, maximum work from home productivity can be reached when you wear a towel all day and lie about your camera not working
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The deadliest weapon is the mind. Unless you got a sword or something. Or a gun. If you have a gun, that’s definitely the best choice.
A career website for plumbers called sinkedin
“The entire sky is mine to explore!Nah, Ill just swoop dangerously through traffic instead.”- Birds
“My desires are… unconventional.”
“Show me.”
*opens door to a room full of memes*
Remember when The Backstreet Boys told us to show them the meaning of being lonely and we were like ok
*takes the high road
*gets a DUI
I think it’s time I find myself a new inspiration, asking myself “what would Batman do?” gets me in too much trouble
Me refusing to admit that my favourite shirt is a bit too tight now
I approach.
“Girl are you a couch? Cuz I’m gonna try & fail to pick you up.”
She laughs. “I’m Jen.”
My training hasn’t prepared me for this.
Wife: Why did you have to cook all of it at once? Not only do we now have to eat 5 pounds of the stuff for breakfast but the whole house smells like bacon!
Me: I’m failing to see what part of this is upsetting
Asked my son if he could go anywhere in the world, where would he go? He said, McDonald’s. I said no, like a country. He said, OHHHH okay…McDonald’s in Japan.
I picked up & ate a huge piece of baklava at a coffee shop while standing at the register because I thought they were free samples. I chowed down on that thing in silence while the cashier just stared at me.
I told my therapist what you said and she’s gonna call your therapist and you’re in big trouble
I used to think girls were super nice to each other in bar washrooms until my friend came back from one thinking she should get bangs
I show dominance by ordering something completely different after asking you what’s good here.
i’ve had too much coffee
~ amateurs
4yo: THAT WAS ENOUGH SCHOOL
Me: That was… your first day.
4yo: YEP.
Me: You have school again tomorrow, kiddo.
4yo: NAH, I THINK I’M GOOD.
If you’ve seen one shopping centre, you’ve seen a mall.
Things the GOP has battled this week:
1. Ethics
2. Intelligence
Wait…was it my left or your left?
-me as a surgeon
Safari is a fancy word for voluntarily putting yourself at the bottom of the food chain
Starting to think the frog dissection skills I learned in high school are never going to pay off.
[driving home in silence]
me: all i said was her husband was a really down-to-earth guy
gf: they were lowering his coffin
[trying to impress my date] order whatever u want
her: i’ll have the lobster
waiter: [noticing i am pointing a gun at him under the table] we uh. we don’t have lobster
Before Calling Me, ask yourself “Is This Textable?”
No one is more shocked that I brought my cat to a baseball game than my cat.
When I’m grabbing something off the shelf at the supermarket, I like to momentarily remove the first item and take the one behind it so I’m not buying the one that 50 other people have touched, a trick that no one but me has ever figured out
Do these panties around my ankles make my eyes sparkle?
“Grandpa, I can’t stop thinking about Santa’s sack.”
Me: Aww, sweetie. Run along now. Grandpa has to put that on the internet.
[first day as a weatherman]
ANCHOR: sounds like cold weather may be on the way, Brandon, whats this i hear about three inches?
ME: *nervously adjusting tie* i’ve been told it’s an adequate amount Jim