My neck my back my allergy attack
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My 5-year-old found two pennies and shared one with her sister.
I grounded them both because I’m not raising any communists.
Prior authorizations be like:
My doctor: You need this medicine.
Dr to pharmacy: She needs this medicine.
Pharmacy to insurance: Her doctor says she needs this medicine.
Insurance: Does she though? Let’s ask her doctor.
excuse me, are you gonna finish those fries
me, interrupting a couple fighting
[first date]
him: I’m sorry about the sushi but your bio said “real fish person”
me, a mermaid: can we just go
THE WORLD WOULD BE SOOOOO MUCH HAPPIER IF EVERYBODY WAS A DUCK
I know it’s impossible to keep kids from screaming when they play outside but I wish there was some way to teach them the difference between “WE ARE HAVING A FUN GAME!” Screaming and “WE ARE BEING BRUTALLY MURDERED!” Screaming
Pinky toes do two things: nothing and break.
A second-hand deep fryer is an acceptable gift for third weddings right?
My brain forces me to relive traumatic moments over and over and over and over, but it won’t tell me where I left my laptop charger.
jfc, the doctor doing my physical just asked if I was “that twitter guy” so I said “yup, I’m the funny twitter guy,” and he responded “I didn’t say funny.” We haven’t even gotten to the awkward part of this appointment yet 🙁
Things were getting kinda boring so thought it’d be fun to spice things up a bit!
– my 3yo, peeing everywhere except the toilet (after months of no accidents)
Don’t EVER let anyone tell you you’re not worth anything. You can get at least ten grand for one of your kidneys.
The dude who designed almond-milk cartons to look exactly like chicken-broth cartons should have to drink the coffee I just made.
Seek respect, not attention. It lasts longer.
What’s the weirdest thing your co-workers believed?
Me: Co-worker thought H2O meant hot water and CO2 meant cold water
J: Co-worker thought they taught a real lizard to talk in the GEICO commercials
They say to “dress for the weather you want” so anyways I’m freezing today and metaphors are hard.
Shit gets real with the whole “I-hid-something-from-my-kid-and-now-I-can’t-find-it-either” game when the thing you hid is your iPad.
When I was at the Dollar Store, I saw this cat food called “Alley Cat” and all I could think was with a name like that why not save yourself a buck and just feed your cat out of the trashcan?
Failed long-term relationships are never a total waste. They teach you valuable life skills, like how to carve profanity into car paint.
Thursday
It’s hard for me to believe that the new Star Wars trailer has already been seen millions of times. How do they even know where it’s parked?
Sometimes I feel like Twitter has run its course. Then I remember everyone here hates running.
repaired
‘My Dad was asking me how was the Duo Lingo concert?’
I’m starting to worry about my husband’s eyesight. He can’t seem to see that the cutlery drawer is divided into sections.
Insomniacs who are not afraid of the dark have nighty-night problems but the pitch ain’t one.
It’s like the only thing my kids learned from Snow White is that fruit is horribly poisonous.
I heard a photographer was killed in a freak accident when a large wheel of cheddar landed on her.
To be fair, the people who were being photographed did try to warn her.
is the ultimate american drug watching an entire season of a tv show at once or getting married so you don’t have to die alone?