god: [looking down at earth] let me see your binoculars for a sec
angel: [perspiring freely] promise you won’t get mad
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For today’s Florida story, I bring you Michael Marolla, who was just arrested in Collier County with a live alligator in the bed of his pickup, two firearms, and multiple syringes loaded with meth.
I want what every woman wants at 2 am: Breakfast.
I beat my personal best for competitive eating today, scoffing 34 hot dogs, including buns in under 15 minutes.
I don’t suppose I’ll be invited to any more of next doors’ BBQs, however.
Me: there’s no “u” in team
Canadian: we’ll see about that bud
Who called it a one night stand and not a humpty dumpty
If you love something, set it free
If you hate something, do origami
If you’re hungry, go watch a movie
I don’t understand how advice works
“Dog Detective, how can I help you?”
MY PERSON THREW THE BALL AND I CAN’T FIND IT
“Did you check his hand?”
NO HE THREW IT ALR… oh wait
I admire my upstairs neighbours’ commitment to cleanliness as they fire up their diesel-powered vacuum to clean their hardwood floors at 11:43 pm
“You will not marry him! He is not of our kind!”
But we’re in love!
“It is forbidden!”
*whale elopes with submarine*
i like to start most sentences with “as a writer…” because it’s important to me that everyone know i am, at my core, a liar
*tip toes out front door*
*wife texts me from China*“Where you going?”
It breaks my heart to know that I live in a country where some of its citizens actually can’t believe that isn’t butter.
Took a Pfizer Covid vaccine with a Pfizer Viagra.
Now both arms are sore
You know who the biggest gaslighters are? Toddlers. Today I saw my kid dump some flour on the floor and when I told her to clean it up she said “umm, I did not do that”
I didn’t win the lottery, but I did find $60 in my husband’s jacket pocket this morning, so…
My ex-wife could’ve pushed Gandhi to violence.
7-year-old: I found a penny.
Me: Good job.
7: How many more do I need for college?
If a cougar left her teeth next to my bed in a glass of water was that a tip? Do I have to change the water? Do I feed them like goldfish?
The government has officially replaced all measurements of time with fruit. More news at banana.
[comedy club]
Worm: And what’s the deal with dandelion stems? Right? Right?!
Other worms: *silence*
Early bird: *cracking up*
Hate it when you’re getting rad footage of an accident scene to put on Facebook & some loser says “Hey, aren’t you the paramedic we called?”
Interviewer: Do you have any special skills?
[Me, attempting to remove stapled sheets of paper with a sword]: no
Every surgery is exploratory if you’re confused enough
“When does he start playing the mandolin?”
– me, watching The Mandalorian
You’ve taken 3 pregnancy tests this month.
“What’s your point”
My point is that your shoplifting is odd and out of control Eric.
I hope when the Avengers meet Spider-Man they give him shit for not helping when NYC got attacked.
Assert dominance by putting your hair in your cats food.
When all the grocery stores are out of food, those fish holding Tinder dudes will look pretty damn good.
For Sale: Washing machine. Active Wear cycle never used.