I don’t know who needs to hear this but putting the dead batteries in the junk drawer does not charge them
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Whenever I seductively unbutton my pants, I always maintain full eye contact with the waiter so he knows I want more table bread.
You know Santa isn’t real because no man over 40 is out past 9PM.
doctor: we’ve had your results back
me: what’s it look like
doctor: a piece of paper with numbers on
I don’t scram as often as I used to now it’s usually only if I’m in danger, or if the security guards at the fancy party realize my tuxedo is actually just a t-shirt
amazing news for movie lovers. i have just RSVPed yes to a wedding where the only person i will know besides the bride and groom is my ex boyfriend
You want some advice? Don’t order crab cakes when you’re 700 miles from the ocean.
just in case someone hasn’t told you today,
i’m gorgeous.
“There are hot Shingles in your area”
– My Doctor
“It’s beautiful today. Let’s work outside.”
*5 mins later*
“This was a terrible idea.”
*more bees disrupt the open heart surgery*
FRIEND: Where were you?
ME: I got sick and had to rush to the doctor
FRIEND: Flu?
ME: Nah, just drove really fast
#HighSchoolTaughtMe how to solve any math word problem
astronomy is a growing field as the universe is expected to expand indefinitely
Average person has sex 89 times a year.
These next two days are going to be wild
You can tell which inmates were involved in organized crime because their cells are much neater than other prisoners’
ARSONIST: I will be the firefighter’s greatest enemy.
GUY WHO PUTS CATS IN TREES: I will also be that.
*breaking up with BF
I’ll never forget you David.
‘My name is Jason’
Goodbye John.
ME: “I’ll have a rum & coke.”
HIM: “I can’t serve you.”
ME: “Because I’m too drunk?”
HIM: “No. ’cause this is a hardware store.”
Guys, please stop wearing Nasa shirts, I bet you can’t even name one of their songs
You know you’ve been on a diet too long when you start reading the ingredients on a bag of dog treats.
My little brother tried his first edible and is currently writing the worst statuses ever
Hear me out. A new princess that repels mosquitoes…Citronella.
Walt Disney:
7yo: Let’s not talk ALL day today
6yo: Ok!
Me: *holy shit yessss*
7yo: LET’S ONLY WHISTLE AND CLAP INSTEAD
Me: Right. Of course.
if you’re a young person, ask a middle-aged man what music they listened to in the 90s. let them talk for 30 mins. act interested and say “oh wow no way that’s so cool.” after that you can ask them for any favor
I draw tombstones in sand at the beach beside couples who draw hearts and shit.
We don’t need people like that in this world.
They say that sex is the best form of exercise.
Correct me if I’m wrong but I don’t think 2 minutes and 15 seconds every 3 months is going to do much for that beer belly.
[paying the check at dinner]
ME: how much should I tip her?
COW WAITRESS: oh no
13-year-old: I need cool clothes.
Me: I think your clothes now are pretty cool.
13: That’s the problem
Well, well, well. Looks like I may have a lawsuit on my hands: a gynecologist refused to treat me, and I’m pretty sure it’s because I’m gay.
Saw the baby talking to the air so I’m immediately moving and leaving her behind. I’ve seen this movie before