I just dropped my phone in the toilet and for a second I stood over it and thought, “That’s where it belongs.”
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Met someone on Craigslist, guess I’m dating a grill now.
“Playing soccer in the cold builds character, son!” I yelled…
…from inside my warm car, because it’s COLD & I already have character.
Most guys propose with a diamond but if you’re really smart give her an onion ring that way if she says no you still have a snack.
“If you could take one thing from a burning house, what would it be?” THE FIRE. I WOULD TAKE THE FIRE AND PUT IT OUTSIDE. Easy. Next.
My neighbor was yelling at her kids so I joined in by repeating everything she said.
Maybe pack emergency supplies and not thirty-five different steam punk outfits next time.
[awkwardly waving to another killer as we dump bodies in the same forest]
Sure, I’d take a bullet for you, but how does robbing an ammunition store prove my love?
Realtor: And I can assure you the house has been child-proofed
*my kid walks in*
Me: I see you’re a liar
me: i have good and bad news
her: bad first
me: there’s a dead body in the woods near the train tracks
her: what’s the good news
me: i found waldo
Psychiatrist: You saw a doctor before me?
Me: Yes.
Psychiatrist: What was their diagnosis?
Me: ᵐᵘˡᵗⁱᵖˡᵉ ᵖᵉʳˢᵒⁿᵃˡⁱᵗʸ ᵈⁱˢᵒʳᵈᵉʳ
Psychiatrist: Excuse me?
Me: HE SAID MULTIPLE PERSONALITY DISORDER.
[hiking]
Me: you want some trail mix?Friend: yeah sure!
Me: *starts beatboxing*
[me trying to sell my personal information on the dark web]
For a dollar I’ll tell you how much cheese I eat.
I really don’t see what the problem is with me letting my dogs on the sofa, but the man at the furniture shop was adamant.
i love reading medieval census documents because what’s carl doing in there
Seriously considering commissioning a family portrait photo and getting the photographer to photoshop all our faces slightly too small. Enough to be disconcerting, but not enough for guests to feel comfortable mentioning it.
You ever have your knees crack so good that you expect them to glow in the dark.
Yeah, me too.
Clock: oh shit, I am
Me: looks like the clock’s a bit fast
hot peppers: if you chop me up i’ll cover your hands with pain oil.
me: no problem i’ll just wash them.
hot peppers: [chuckling] oh yeah good luck with that.
High Schools: Make sure your student gets plenty of sleep
Also High Schools: Bus comes at sunrise
Interview Tip #17
be polite and maintain eye contact
[later]
Interviewer: hello
Me: *staring intensely* yes please
-Whoa! Have you seen that big herd of bees outside?
-Not *herd* of bees.
-You’ve not heard of bees? They’re flying things with stings.
-I know, but it’s swarm!
-*sweating* I know, it’s boiling! But I’m not opening the window til that herd of bees has gone.
I will flirt with you but honestly neither of us will have any idea it’s happening
Senior: *Gets diploma* I’m glad all the cliquey high school stuff is behind me
Principal: *Laughs for the rest of the graduation ceremony*
“Daddy will u tuck me in?:)”
“Ok”
*tucks him in*
“Daddy sing me a song:)”
“Ok”
*clears throat*
LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR LET THE BODIES H
[Beautiful woman doing bench press at the gym]
HER: four… five… *struggling* a little help please
ME: six
My rapper name would be “Iffy Scent”
Wife: Our 5yo sure is acting like a grown-up lately
Me: Really?
5yo: *walks in* I can’t remember what I came in here for
Me: omg
i actually took my measurements before ordering jeans instead of just guessing which size i should get and i just tried them on and they fit. has anyone else ever heard of this.
Pro Tip: If you’re searching for Moana You Tube video clips for your kids, DO NOT forget the ‘a’ on the end.