I JUST DRUNK 37 MONSTER ENERGYS AND NOW I CAN SMELL ABSTRACT LEGISLATIVE EUPHEMISMS
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[boxing match]
TRAINER: Give him the old ‘one-two’
CHAMP: I’m not too good at math
TRAINER: Ok…a left and a right
CHAMP: Or politics
Mechanic: Your car won’t pass inspection
Me: Here’s $20 to look the other way
Mechanic [looking other way]: Your car won’t pass inspection
I have 2 speeds- the slow southern girl sashay and the is that the ice cream truck outside?
This summer on ABC. In a dog eat dog world. Weâre gonna see who can eat the most dogs
me on ellen
ellen: so i heard you love the ocean
me: ya
(the studio starts flooding)
me: omg ellen you didnât
You raised me and taught me everything I know. Happy Father’s Day, internet.
Two days in a row someone has tried using my Apple Card to buy flowers. Buddy, walk over to your neighbors garden and steal some roses like a real man. The world has gone soft.
PILOT: Welcome to flying school. Any questions?
ME: Is it possible to crash into a rainbow?
PILOT: Yes it’s how most of you will die. Next?
BARTENDER: how do you take it?
ME: personally
*coworker stares at me as I unpack lunch*
Me: leave
CW: why?
Me: I’m never bringing a banana to work again, okay Todd!?!?
Day 1: Buys $8.00
organic raspberries.Day 2: Moldy.
Repeat weekly.
If you breed Catdog with a catfish, you have a 25% chance of getting a pure cat.
{Being rescued after 2 years on a deserted island}
HER:
ME:
HER:
ME:
HER: So, how did yo-
ME: I donât know how I gained weight.
If your surname is Rice and you don’t name your kid, Fried then I can never be friends with you.
Having to shovel is so rude. Itâs like I have to clean up after the earth, too?
Canadians: Maybe theyâre born with it, maybe itâs maple leaf.
Who called them riverboat casinos and not dealerships?
A friend was talkin about her expensive face lotion. She said she was confused about it runnin out so fast. She finally asked her husband & he said he wondered why she kept buyin such tiny bottles. Fool was using it on his whole bodyđ. Said it was silkiest skin era of HIS LIFE
If you find your cat reading a book titled “To Serve Man,” I’m just going to warn you right now, those are recipes. Cats aren’t servants.
INTERVIEWER: so what makes you qualified to work at comcast
ME: *shows up four hours later*
INTERVIEWER: you’re hired
When the Olympics finally introduces the event âDropping your phone and very nearly catching it but not quiteâ then youâll all see me shine.
I was playing pirates with my 4yo and it was so cute when he found the treasure. I almost felt bad taking it from him, but I did what I had to do. Because pirates.
I follow mattress delivery trucks around all day, because I like the smell of freshly braked bed.
Him: Why are you cuddling with the thermometer?
Her: Because he tells the truth, never disappoints me, and doesn’t judge my family, Cameron.
Him: This is getting ridiculous. I’m throwing that thing away.
Her: Don’t you dare touch, Freddie Mercury!
When ITS SNOWING in SoCal you make a tiny snow dude âď¸
after a certain point in life the âwalk of shameâ is about a plunger
Grimace: *commits crimes against the United States*
Law Enforcement: âWe believe weâve identified the purpletraitor”.
Necessity is the mother of invention, and the wife of bill.
Bill is the only one in the family with a normal name.
[contacting you by Ouija board after murdering you]
AND ANOTHER THING
A tragic love story in two pictures.