@QueefSandwich: I just farted & my dog looked at me like i asked her a calculus question
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@TitansHomer: My ex girlfriend has a tattoo of a shell on her inner thigh. If you put your ear to it you can smell the ocean.
@PunkHistory: "You gotta keep 'em separated!" -the dude from the Offspring whenever he's doing laundry.
@JohnHilsen: My "friend" Adam gave me an electric toothbrush for my birthday. Completely unnecessary. My gas-powered toothbrush still runs fine, "Adam."
@TheCiscoKidder: Drive down the middle of my street and make me squeeze by you, so I know who to murder first when the apocalypse hits.