I just farted & my dog looked at me like i asked her a calculus question
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ME [groggily regains consciousness] what happened?
DOCTOR: You did a wheelie [replaces pen lid] on a unicycle
I see you like sex.
*apparently not an acceptable thing to say to a pregnant woman.
“Where did that mole come from?” I worriedly ask right before a chocolate chip dislodges from my chest hair
TV INTERVIEWER: As if the wedding wasn’t surprising enough, you then eschew the tradition of one spouse taking the other’s name. Instead, you chose to combine your surnames. Any regrets?
BENEDICT AND ENGELBERT CUMBERBUMPERDINCK: Absolutely not
Broke my ankle at 19 years old and didn’t miss a single day waiting tables. Last week I took 3 days off work because my cat had diarrhea.
Incense sticks are just disappointing sparklers.
Few things in life are more pleasurable than
turning off the lights in a public bathroom while
people are still inside..
We can’t afford a Trump presidency. The money spent alone on hundreds of new White House door knobs for his wee-baby hands would bankrupt us
[Job Interview]
“It says in your CV that you are quick at mathematics. What is 17 X 19?”
“36”
“That’s not even close”
“But it was quick”
There are shameless and immoral herring having sex in our ponds and lakes right now and I’d like to know what our elected officials are going to do about it
“I’m never gonna do THAT again!”
~ Me, about things I’ll continually do…
Again
How pale and flabby do I have to be before I am legally a jellyfish?
WIFE: I can’t take your immaturity. Sign these divorce papers
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: Fine! You win. “Simon says” sign these divorce papers
Y’all will never guess what her husband bought her. I’m hollering!!
My washing machine is broken and the laundry is piled so much now, I’ve started to wear old Halloween costumes
… Eau DeTroit …
#RejectedPerfumeNames
We need to put an end to all these motion activated Halloween props displayed in the stores. I prefer to do all my leaping and high pitched fear shrieking at home.
8: “You know how Makayla and Abby are our cousins?”
Me: “Yeah”
8: “Did you know that WE’RE also THEIR cousins?!”
Somehow I missed my turn into my driveway and ended up at the pub few blocks over
Before you harm any of your co-workers please consider the potential negative impact of prison on your Twitter time.
wife: u should’ve paid more attention in school
me: what why
wife: u brought home the wrong kids
Him: You’re married?
Me: Well, it’s Thursday. So, yeah.
Him: What about on Friday?
Me: Depends how Thursday goes.
Pro Tip: Before you ask your kid’s Principal if he’d like a kiss make sure he can see the chocolate you’re holding in your hand.
You repeat the same mistakes expecting different results. I do this also
We are not the sane
*My neighbor rolls over in bed.
Me: You really shouldn’t sleep with the windows open. Now quit hogging the covers.
*wife sees me crying*
Her: What’s going on?
Me: The kids gave me this
*holds up Dad Is #1 mug*
W: That’s sweet
H: Sweet? They think I’m pee!
Husband: You’re ruining my life
Me: Does this mean I still have to make dinner?
[second date]
“April Fools”
*gets up and leaves
My doctor just finished my physical and then crossed out “organ donor” from my driver‘s license?
Sure you look forward to the day your kids are independent adults and living on their own, but it’s a double edged sword because then it becomes even harder to avoid talking to your husband.