@QueefSandwich: I just farted & my dog looked at me like i asked her a calculus question
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@davedittell: can't believe Jesus was born on Christmas and died on Easter, what are the odds? still, he accomplished a lot for a four month year old.
@TheMichaelRock: A coworker wouldn't stop bragging about her upcoming trip to Hawaii, so I emailed her a bunch of pictures of plane crashes.
@Sean_Burgundy_: Window repairman: What happened did someone try to break into your house? Me: No. My gf said we needed to talk
@SkinnerSteven: I wrote 'WILL YOU MARRY ME?' on a balloon. However, before I could propose... -I popped the question