@QueefSandwich: I just farted & my dog looked at me like i asked her a calculus question
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@captainkalvis: DATE her: i just wish our relationship was a little more... spontaneous me (holding a lighter to the table cloth): ive got just the thing
@AdinaSunny: Mother Earth: I'm not a regular mom. I'm a Cool Mom. [humans pollute the atmosphere and destroy nature] Earth: This is fine. I'm a Cool Mom
@kumailn: It's fine to eat chicken with skin but serve beef with skin and everybody just starts freaking out.