[Grandma’s funeral]
(Turning to friend) She knitted that whole coffin
You Might Also Like
[church fundraiser]
me: *takes out a $100*
priest: *eyes wide* bless you my child
me: aww thank you! do you have $99.50 in change?
A brother from my ward really ticked me off this week, so I made sure to get my family to church early and take the pew his family usually sits in.
For cardio, I attempt to swallow vitamins, while holding a cup of piping hot coffee.
After taking a bunch of 7-year-olds on a field trip to the Natural History Museum, I realized their favorite exhibit was “Elevator Buttons.”
whenever a study shows excessive screen time causes brain damage i’m like yeah. me know.
why are you as a non alcoholic cocktail priced in the double digits
[Premiere of A River Runs Through It]
Beavers: Booooo!
An unexpected perk of having pets is when the cat throws up on the couch; the dog jumps in to handle the cleanup.
[murder trial]
LAWYER: So you unplugged your wife’s life support for five minutes?
COMPUTER TECH: Sometimes that works.
3: I don’t want to go to sleep, I want to take a nap
Me: That’s fine, take a nap
3: Okay. I’ll take a long nap till morning
Me: Great!
3 *Five sec later*: I’m napping now!
Me: What exactly do you think “nap” means?!
Remember, parents: your children look to you for guidance. Kids are dumb like that.
I tried to help my third grader with some practice IQ test questions, and either he’s a genius or I’m a potato.
wife: I’m leaving you
me: is it because of my hobby?
wife: yes
me: but on friday february 8th 2018 at 8:17 pm I asked “Is it ok if I became a stenographer” to which you replied “thats fine” to which I replied “great” to which you replied “wait are you typing this right now?”
I accidentally opened a survey and tried to close it. I got a message that said “please answer survey!”
You need to slow your roll there survey.
“Weight Watchers” because “Obesity Observers” was too cerebral.
My toddler is so unbelievably pumped for her birthday, she talks about it multiple times a day. Unfortunately, it’s still six months away. Please send help.
Ive started investing in stocks… Mainly beef, chicken and vegetables. One day I hope to be a bouillonaire.
*in the restaurant, i watch a baby cry for ten minutes until i walk over, put my hands on the parent’s shoulders & whisper*
does your baby have jury duty tomorrow, too?
When people start their sentence with the word ‘Listen’ I think maybe they don’t understand how conversations work.
Me: Damn dog is under the covers again!
Wife: No she’s not. She’s next to the bed.
Me: Oh.
Wife: …
Me: Might be time to shave your legs.
High school: rough age for some
High fiber: roughage for others
Steps to getting into her pants:
1) Wait for her to fall asleep
2) Take her pants off
3) Put them on yourself
4) Find a top that matches
You can only be young once, but you can be immature forever.
Me: “Bless me father, it’s been 13,505 days since my last confession.”
Priest: “You’re off to a bad start.”
[ field trip to the zoo ]
Teacher: what’s your favorite animal?
Debra: I like zebras!
Deborah: I like zeborahs!
William Shakespeare never hugged or cuddled. Lovers called him the “No Holds Bard”.
I need a few hundred steps to meet my daily goal. I only hope my wine doesn’t spill.
[creating humans]
GOD: Make them imperfect…
ANGEL: Okay…done…
GOD: Now make them apologize to Me all the time for being imperfect.
Me: Do you have any wrongdog?
“Ugh fine what’s wrongdog”
Me: thank you so much for asking I’m doing terrible
School crossing signs are bullshit, i’ve literally never seen a kid walking 20 mph