I just feel like you shouldn’t be using a selfie stick unless you’re a T-Rex.
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My son has a shirt that says, “my dad can beat up your dad,” and honestly I don’t like the pressure
Hi, I’m Megan. You may know me from such public encounters with kids as “No, YOUR face is stupid” and “I didn’t trip you, you fell”.
Hate when you’re trying to take a nap and the dentist is all “Please open your mouth.”
Girls complain about guys using them for sex, but sex is awesome! Start bitching when he uses you for laundry, or as a human shield.
Breaking news:
I’m so jealous that I did not write this pun!!
[at the planetarium standing next to a cutie]
ME: (pretends hand is telephone) yes hello NASA is my new space rocket ready thanks please
“Sir, do you have any dietary restrictions?”
*unbuttons pants*
“Not anymore!”
“How many people have you slept with?”
– Someone who wants to hear a lie
My 18 year-old was complaining about her job so I told her it’ll be ok she only has 47 years left.
You never realize how many people you just don’t like until you try to name a baby
daughter: can i keep the night light on?
me: and provide the monsters with a beacon to your location? use your head, sweetie
I have an ungodly amount of Taco Bell hot sauce packets for being a grown woman who’s nutritionally responsible for two children.
Game of Thrones, at its core, has always been a show about how much it sucks to be a horse
[two astronauts in space station]
“What’s that?”
Just a hurricane
“And that?”
Great Wall of China
“And that over there?”
Drake’s eyebrows
You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.
Can you imagine if therapists did an end-of-year wrapped list like:
-cried 79 times
-picked up 5 new coping mechanisms
-made 43 jokes about your trauma
No I’m not drunk driving
My kids just keep demanding I LOOK
This TikTok trend might be my favorite so far
“Face my fears?” Lol what am I, brave?
Me: I wish I was the most beautiful person in the world.
Genie: done
Me: *looking in mirror* But I still look the same…
Genie: Just wait until you see everybody else.
Oh my. I haven’t laughed this hard in a while. Good ol’ Winnipeg. 🤣
[Cat Businessmen]
“Geez, Phil, you look exhausted. Being a new father is tough, huh.”
*sighs* I only got 16 hours of sleep last night.
Me: what are you looking forward to most this week?
8: playing with my friends!
3 (boy): seeing grandma!
3 (girl): lunch!
The wife says the only hard things allowed in my house nowadays are boiled eggs, sudoku puzzles and the hats of the surprising number of construction workers who come by whilst I’m at work to quote for a new patio.
Surprising, because we live in a 3rd floor apartment.
If a duckling is a baby duck, I don’t want to eat dumplings.
MATH TEACHER: wanna come do the problem on the board?
ME: no
MT: i wasn’t asking
ME: if u were an english teacher you’d know that u were
I’m planning to adopt a dog soon, it wasn’t my first choice but my doctor told me I can’t have any biologically.
Friend meeting my newborn: omg what’s his name
Me: I don’t know he won’t tell us
When I can’t find my car keys, I’m grateful for the most helpful suggestions like “Where did you last leave them?” and “They’ll turn up”.