@Pumpkinbabypie: I just feel like you shouldn't be using a selfie stick unless you're a T-Rex.
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@Midgetspar: On a scale from 1 to 10 I tell people they're an 11. It's a fun way to let them know they don't exist and they take it as a compliment.
@iwearaonesie: wife [on Facebook] Spent the day with the kids. We had so much fun! wife [to me] Do you know what those little shits did to me today?
@rickkondell: I overheard two female coworkers say there was a creepy dude listening to their conversation.
@EliTerry: Imagine a bunch of Italian mobsters tiptoeing and trying not to giggle as they gingerly place a horse head in bed with a sleeping guy.