*gets hungry*
*bakes kale chips for a snack because diet*
*eats six cookies while waiting for kale chips because hungry*
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The temperature went from 90 to 55 like it saw a state trooper
*First day as a boxing cornerman*
Me: So did you guys even try to talk this out first or what
I’ve hated dentists way before they started killing lions.
Didn’t realize my teen was annoyed with me until she ordered a Coke at lunch even though we’re a Pepsi family.
[invention of spaghetti]
Inventor: i made them very long
Wife: they still fit in a pot though right?
Inventor: lol no why
Me: *lighting candles* don’t mind me, just setting the mood
Her: *backs out of elevator before doors close*
In Scotland we don’t like our revenge as a dish served cold, we like it deep fried.
Watson was Holmes schooled
i will never tire of apocalypse shopping because i’m a virgo and also when the end comes i want to rub my preparation in everyone else’s faces
Sometimes I just sit and run my fingers through my girl’s hair. Its a nice way to let her know I love her and also that were out of napkins
[elevator doors r closing, i see a woman running to get on. i push the close door button because i gotta be on time for an interview. i get there exactly at 2 and sit down. a few min later the interviewer walks in. it’s the woman from the elevator]
her: *glares*
me: you’re late
*Batman voice*
“I’m Batman.”*Wife voice*
“Go empty the dishwasher, Batman.”
3 reasons I’m not a hiker:
1. I don’t like sweating.
2. I don’t like getting lost.
3. I don’t like stumbling across human remains in shallow graves.
Those who still fit in their wedding dresses years later haven’t been making enough effort eating.
Welcome to the middle age, there is no more a 5 second rule coz who tf can lift stuff in 5 seconds
In an alternate universe the hard way is always learning me
People have ruined this planet and now they’re just like “Tag, you’re it!” to Mars.
My kids are running fevers and fell asleep on either side of me so now I know how it feels to roast like a gas station hot dog.
100% of car accidents happen within exactly five miles of something. If you’re within five miles of anything right now, move.
when you want to feed salmon to your mouth AND forehead
When I asked for some alone time, I didn’t mean when I was bringing in the groceries.
Got drunk and did my taxes, i am getting back 1 zillion dollars, 2 slaves, and somehow the state of Rhode Island, this can’t be right.
[sees a squirrel walking, not running, out of a cemetery] sweet jesus this is how it begins
You like bad boys? Not to brag but I’m bad at everything.
-me flirting
This flight attendant literally just finished going over safety protocols and said “thank you to those who listened, and good luck to those of you who didn’t. Truly, good luck.” Lmfaooooo
An eel can swim faster than me, but i could probably run faster than an eel. So in a triathlon it would all come down to who is the better cyclist
*loses you in a crowd*
finally
It’s actually a good thing money doesn’t grow on trees because I’ve killed every plant I’ve ever owned.
It’s amazing how fast the first 30 minutes of work just fly by when you show up a half hour late for work.
Forgot about the 12-20 months stage of having a baby where your house is just littered with random objects they picked up, carried around, and dropped for no reason like you live inside a claw machine.