@MrsMikePatton: I just fell down the stairs holding a guitar and accidentally wrote a One Direction song.
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@jdforshort: College guy: How do you like it? Me: Salty...of course *slaps down $20 CG: We'll take two pretzels with salt ~Get outta the gutter pervs
@djdarrellripley: Me: I fell down the stairs with a quart of Jägermeister & I didn't spill a drop. Him: Well, how'd you do that? Me: I kept my mouth shut..
@RudeComedian: Me: Mom...Dad. I've decided to live on my own from now on. Parents: ok, cool. Me: Your luggage is outside
@T_N_Crumpets: Bartender: YOU'RE the guy that drinks from the soap dispenser in the toilets? Me: [I try to say "NO" but it's just lavender scented bubbles]