I like the idea in Star Trek that universal audio translators are a thing by the 23rd century. That means around the 22nd century we just get special glasses that show subtitles
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Sensei: always expect the unexpected *pulls out picnic blanket*
Me: *instantly pulls out picnic basket*
Sensei: *hands me ninja diploma*
Wife is “not angry” that I ate her Pringles…..
So, I’ll be sleeping with one eye open, like a mob boss.
My single friends are always talking about clubbing and being hit on. Today’s social scene sounds so violent.
ME: *sits*
BARBER: You’re completely bald.
ME: Just snip the scissors around my ears and gently touch my head for 10 mins, please.
Accepting donations for my opossum’s quinceanera.
babe is everything okay? you’ve barely touched your pile of hundreds of elaborate projects you start but never finish
hate when i type some normal shit like “i’m walking the dog” and my phone is like “did you mean: i’m🚶♂️the 🐶?” no i did not mean that because i am not the zodiac killer.
I’m a Leo so I just eat the other astrological signs.
Almost nailed it! 😂🤣
ME: these fireworks are so quiet
WIFE: those are palm trees
There are four golden girls and four teenage mutant ninja turtles but ask yourself, why have we never seen them all together in the same place?
[at work]
Boss: *at my door* Nice to see you here late with your head bent over your desk!
Me: Well, you know me, always working!
Boss: Keep it up! *leaves*
Me: *resumes trying to unstaple my tie from my desk*
My kids at 7am: What’s for breakfast? Can I play Xbox? What are we doing today? What’s blue plus blue make?
Me:
Boss: we’re going to our cabin on the lake this weekend
Coworker: you guys have a cabin ON the lake?
Boss: Ya?
Coworker: must be wet hahaha
You don’t wanna break into the zoo and steal a penguin, you don’t wanna wait in the car while *I* break into the zoo, so maybe you should just plan the date.
😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
Friend: “Wow, your guest bedroom is so nice.”
Me: “That’s for your dog. You can sleep on the couch.”
With one taste of my signature black velvet cake you discover that it’s a regular red velvet cake that I left in the oven too long.
Smiling releases endorphins in your body, which relieves stress.
All I have to do now is explain that to my proctologist when he’s done.
I get a new phone every year just so my friends don’t think I’m lying when I tell them I’ve lost their number
Avoidance is expensive
Looking back to my days as a teacher, the best part was always summer.
I have seagull managers. They swoop in, screech like hell, shit all over everything, then fly away.
Sorry I’m late. I sneezed while my mascara was still wet.
IN CASE OF FIRE BREAK GLASS
*breaks glass*
*a glazed honey ham pops out*
“Nice nice”
the moon landing, except it’s the moon, landing on earth. everyone is just as excited. at first.
If you love something keep it in the refrigerator, keep it fresh, that thing you love is a lot like mayonnaise.
“Give a man a fish. Don’t ask why just do it.”
— if your boss wrote proverbs
Thanks to whoever invented the mute button, because I can poop while on a conference call.
I USED MY WIFE’S VOLUMIZING SHAMPOO AND NOW I CAN’T STOP YELLING!
[plane]
“Is there a doctor on board?”
Im a doctor
“Okay quick the passenger is having a heart att-
Of fine arts
“What?”
Doctor of Fine Arts