I just figured out how to deal with a situation that I was thrown into in 1978.
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My wife suggested taking Ecstasy to help with sex and so far she’s banged three neighbors and the UPS guy
Paper plates don’t have to go so hard with the marketing. Whimsical floral design? I just need to know microwaveable y/n
When I’m in a bathroom stall, please don’t yell “Oh my God oh my God there’s a guy in here!” Respect my privacy.
Always be kind to people, you never know who may own a boat.
“You’re acting weird.”
First of all, I’m not acting
I forgot the term “stylist” so I said “exterior decorator.”
Her: sobbing, smashing Doritos and cupcakes into her mouth*
Him: how was your day, babe?
A cabbage a day keeps people away.
[rap battle]
Opponent: *crushes it*
Me: Oh, I… umm. I thought this was something else… *hastily hides plastic wrap behind back*
What is this World Cup and can I drink from it?
*Bursts into bank*
Robber: THIS IS A ROBBERY. HANDS UP. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Bank clerk: No that’s clearly a shotgun
2nd robber: OOOH SNAP!
[Chopped episode]
“In your baskets is a box of spaghetti olives fried chicken mozzarella cheese tomatoes and a package of Oreos.”
Me *opening Oreos*
“Clock hasn’t started.”
Me: There’s cookies.
“Those are for your dish.”
Me *munching*
There’s cookies.
Yesterday my boss asked why I was tardy and I said, “I don’t think you’re supposed call people that any more.”
[my gf actually turns into a worm]
me: oh my god. it’s ok, i’ll still go out with you
my worm gf: [sees a cool worm wearing a leather jacket] i think we should see other people
someone is getting married down the street from me and their wedding geofilter works at my house
If it defies all logic, and makes very little sense then it was probably my idea…
Today I lost a push-ups competition to my 4 year-old son. He did 2 push-ups and its not important how many i could or couldn’t do because its all about having fun and him helping me off the ground
The police have asked me to stop sending them cryptic taunting messages until I’ve actually committed a crime
Enjoy this video of ducks changing their minds
Can we take a moment to celebrate the little ride we get in the pneumatic chair at the hair salon or barber when they pump it up or down
detective: where’s that footage from the silo robbery?
me: i deleted it.
detective: why?
me: it was all grainy.
I’m not lazy
Wish I was a duck. Just chillin in a park all day, maybe go for a swim. Oh what’s that? People wanna feed me? Hell yeah
I ordered the chick on page 3 in the Victoria’s Secret catalog…
But all they sent me was her underwear.
I only had a few friends before I got on Twitter.
Now I don’t have any.
eye doctor: please read the top line
me: have you recently been injured in the workplace? do you lack legal represen— is this an ad
eye doctor: look, i need to make money somehow; keep reading
Steve : I’m going to call it the Steveharmonic orchestra.
*Phil creeps up from behind with baseball bat*
how i look when they bring my wings at pluckers.
Friend dropping me off at the airport: ok fly safe
Me who is not piloting the plane: ok I will
All I’m saying is when I’m drunk in the backyard I still put my shirt on just like everyone else, one leg at a time…