“I just figured the ‘H’ was broken on your sign”
Nope, this is what I sell here. Now how many Doug nuts do you want?
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Diet, Day 14:
I hate everyone. My children are scared of me & I’ve repelled everyone else.
But I’m starting to really like pears.
Sir Im sorry I rear ended you but I was focused on not accidentally eating a purple jelly bean and you’re handling this really insensitively
BARBER: So what do you do?
ME: I’m a writer, and you?
BARBER:
ME:
BARBER: I’m a barb—
ME: Barber, right, yes.
You don’t know your own leg strength until you’re kicking the end of a Hotel tucked bed sheet
I keep trying to lose this last 180 pounds but he refuses to leave.
If someone is whistling they:
1. Just killed someone
2. Are on their way to kill someone
3. Are plotting to kill someone
Me: How much for the goth cucumber?
Clerk: That’s a cactus…
boss: what are u doing
me: *pretends to read email*
boss: did u just say “pretends to read email”
Oh that’s not nicotine stains on my fingers. That’s mustard. I don’t smoke anything besides ham sandwiches.
Me: Pfft.. There is scientific evidence that a woman’s brain is lighter than a man’s.
Her: Perhaps because it gets more exercise.
My wife told me to get a real job or pack my bags!
What an idiot! Who threatens someone with a vacation???
My text: Have a good day at school!
My son’s text: Thanks. I forgot to have you sign something. Can you show me how your signature looks.
I put the hot in psychotic.
Before marriage: Kisses
After marriage: Hisses
if your day doesn’t start with chasing your neighbors chickens out of your yard are you even living your best life?
“no animal except humans drinks the milk of another animal” cool, no animal except humans has netflix either, what’s your point
Hell hath no fury like a woman who found out you used her face towel as a hand towel
*wife runs back into our house which is on fire*
What are you doing!?
W: I just want to straighten up a little before the firemen get here
robber: empty the register, no funny business
joke store owner: oh no
Watching the end credits of a movie so you can take note of the producer & director and never ever watch anything else that they make
●︿●
Girls are girls. They will wait for your reply without texting you!
guy who has only been to ikea, walking into his second furniture store: can’t wait to eat the meatballs here
People need to stop posting denigrating photo memes of animals; they have dignity and deserve respect. Oh that’s Rick Santorum? Ok carry on.
Ask someone if they’ll watch your bag for you but never actually leave just sit there and watch your bag together with your new friend.
– Lads, I’ve driven all the snakes out of Ireland.
– Did we have snakes?
– Oh yes, thousands of em.
– I’ve never seen any sn…
– THOUSANDS!
I bet dogs at parties get tired of being singled out by socially awkward humans.
[bar]
DOG: Pour me a double. This day can’t get any worse…
CAT BARTENDER: [slowly pushes drink off the bar]
*Skynet becomes self aware*
*Starts a blog*
If a recipe calls for watermelon and you can’t find one you can substitute two hydrogenmelons and an oxygenmelon and nobody will know
[Watching the news]
This is all wrong, villains are supposed to be fictional characters.