I just filled up my gas tank and went to a movie and bought a large soda and popcorn, I spent roughly 7000 dollars.
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Me: What kind of eggs do you want for breakfast? Scrambled? Fried?
4 Year Old: Chocolate
Me: You really are my child.
Dating a skinny guy is cool and all until you both get naked and the societal expectation that women be smaller overwhelms you and the shame u feel about ur body drives you to tears
Her: Isn’t she your girlfriend?
Me: No, No, No, I broke up with her two days ago. She just hasn’t checked her voice mail yet…
An 80’s style montage of me and a dog learning to use chopsticks, and the dog progressing marginally faster
Oh honey, that’s not “causing a scene”.
Here, check this out…
I couldn’t think of an excuse fast enough so anyways I’m having company over this weekend.
I’d like to wish a very happy 5th birthday to the jar of salsa in my fridge
cause baby now we’ve got
baaathtubs
you know we soaking in
maaad suds
so take a loofah for
baaack scrubs
cause baby now we baaathtubs [hey!]
12
The number of times you can use the word moist while ordering pizza before they refuse to send the delivery guy to your house
I woke up deciding to incorporate the parkour lifestyle into my daily life then reconsidered as I fell over again putting my jeans on
I’m boycotting the Olympics because I just heard some sort of misinformation campaign claiming the last Winter Olympics held in 2018 was four years ago.
One time my husband asked me to dance for him and I performed the entire Lion King musical to the best of my ability.
Toast should never pick a fight with me because I eat toast for breakfast.
*ding*
This is your captain speaking. We… Is this what my voice sounds like? Nobody told me! Haha, wow, weird. We’re out of fuel.
Her: let’s role play
Me: ok you be Mr. Magoo
Her: what?
Me: no his hearing is fine
We’ve secretly replaced the G with a K on this bottle of Jergens.
Let’s see if he notices.
There’s an alternate universe where we are together and finally happy.
And I probably forgot to take out the trash there, too.
My daughter went back to college today and I texted her that I missed her so much and she texted back 2.5 hours later, “Yes.” Then, “Sorry, that wasn’t for you.”
I WAS IN LABOR FOR 14 HOURS
*firefighter wraps me in blanket after he rescues me*
Um I just came out of a fire so I’m pretty hot actually
In a dispute with my neighbour, I dumped a wash basin on his front lawn. If he thinks I’m apologising, he’s got another sink coming.
A polite way to call someone’s baby ugly is to say “Oh. He looks just like you.”
This cat looks like Wilford Brimley
Let’s talk about my ability to hold a grudge. Back in ’78, a friend of mine bought me an album by The Rolling Stones, but she opened it and recorded it first. To this day, I refer to her as “Kathy, you know, the one that opened that album…”
Me: Are you done cleaning?
7-year-old: No.
Me: So what should you be doing?
7: Hiding.
She cleans like me.
Twitter is for people who don’t like to poop alone.
me: i want a girlfriend so badly
them: u have to start going on dates
me: seems excessive
Car’s automatic gearbox shit itself and I was staring down the barrel of a £7.5k repair job, gingerly drove the car home to ‘think it over’ and someone drove right up my arse and wrote it off. I couldn’t stop smiling at the side of the road, the guy thought I was a psychopath.
Thanks, Word-Of-The-Day, I’m already familiar with “plateau.”
I’ve reached the age where haircuts would be cheaper if my hairdresser charged per strand.