I just filled up my gas tank and went to a movie and bought a large soda and popcorn, I spent roughly 7000 dollars.
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breaking into your house and inventorying your pantry so you know what you need the next time you go to costco
Pro Tip: If you don’t have a mask, wearing a jock strap on your face tends to keep people at least 6 feet away from you.
*Picks up extra virgin olive oil. *smirks*
“Not for long my friend. Not for long.”
Apparently my daughter lost the lid to the toothpaste and I’ve never been so happy to know she’s actually using it
me: can i have a raise?
boss: i think the better question is how can we meet your career goals
me: by giving me more money
Twitter yesterday: We are outraged about the lion!
Twitter today: We are outraged about the outrage about the lion!
It’s been 0 days since a member of family who claims to love me unplugged my phone to charge their own device.
ME WATCHING SUCCESSION S01E01: so i guess these guys do business or something?
ME WATCHING SUCCESSION S02E10: roman’s bid to secure private funding would have won the proxy war but ultimately the capital wasn’t reliable enough to prevent the firm from h
Some church folks decided to knock on my door today while hosting my book club for a bunch of margarita drinking witches. Oops, wrong house 😆
Remember you could bludgeon your enemy King with a wheel of cheese and eat the evidence.
I’m sorry for the things I said when I was attempting to take off my sports bra.
dog owners: their name is buddy
cat owners: their name is cool ranch dorito
Someone already tweeted it’s hot outside.
Delete your tweet.
RPGs are all “you don’t meet the level requirement to equip this” When in real life the only thing stopping me from wielding this halberd is an extremely agitated museum guide, and I’m pretty sure I can take him
How is the witch who imprisoned children that were eating her house the bad guy of the story?
Good news class—you are exactly 9 years old, so from here on out, we’ll exclusively be reading books where the dog dies.
It’s hard to believe in God when every time I go to Subway the person in front of me has NO IDEA HOW SUBWAY WORKS.
nothing about reading dr seuss has convinced me that he’s actually a doctor
Me (answers phone): HELL-o
Mom: Hi, honey. Your Dad is trying to change the time on the VCR you bought us in 83
Me: Please leave a message
after i eat lunch there’s a 1-hour window where you can convert me to any religion
i eat one snickers a day to build up immunity in case someone tried to kill me with snickers
[i fall down the stairs & break my back]
Me: Siri, call me 911
Siri: okay.. I will call you 911 from now on
Me: haha nice
Siri: thanks 911
Keep this between us, but I’ve snuck Don’t Speak lyrics into every relationship argument I’ve ever had.
If simply wrinkling my nose at your smell is politer than spraying you head to foot with Febreze then so be it.
Not happy but so be it.
Laxatives help you live up to your full pooptential.
Reporter: *ports again*
On the surface: cool as a cucumber…
On the inside: squirrel in traffic…
Spiderman: Can I be in The Avengers now?
Captain America: Um sure.
Spiderman: What should I do?
Iron Man: You’re in charge of web design.
A man said to a woman on tv that she’s ”candy for the eyes” and immediately my stupid mind made a stupid joke that all the candy I ever consumed was instead ”candy for the thighs”, and then I thought tweet it, girl, tweet it real good! You’re welcome.
fair