I just filled up my gas tank and went to a movie and bought a large soda and popcorn, I spent roughly 7000 dollars.
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ME: *making lightsaber noises*
COWORKER: *in next urinal* you’re getting pee on my shoes.
I gave a yelp review once.
In my defense, it was my first bikini wax.
Don’t take drugs… for granted.
I let friend’s kid call my ex & say “Are you really my daddy?” while I’m in the background yelling “hang up the phone,he doesn’t want you!”
As soon as they figure out sex, we’re saved.
I just really think bacon should be called “fry”con
My boss: did…you make this powerpoint on company time.
[pretends to answer phone in front of date] why hello… [trying to think of someone cool] GEICO lizard
Whenever my wife gets smug about winning an argument I like to remind her that up until a year ago she thought narwhals were mythological creatures.
Someone asked me if I had any hobbies and I panicked and said “lasagna”
Everyone said the hamster catapult wasn’t appropriate for the science fair but no one could stop watching.
[1st day at Subway]
Boss: u said u’d done this before
Me: [painting myself in marinara sauce] I’m really more of an abstract sandwich artist
sometimes I wonder if Einstein’s friends were ever able to say “nice work, Einstein” without sounding sarcastic
Reporter: How do you feel that your proposal was turned down by Congress?
Obama: Well, I’ve alw–
Biden: [grabs mic] TURNED DOWN FOR WHAT?
200 Catholics, one cup. -Mass
centaur: *falls down* I broke my arm
doctor: it’s okay I can fix it
centaur: agh I broke my leg too
doctor: *cocks rifle*
the guy who came up with the name “eggnog” should get to name more things
Wait for it! 🤣👏😝
whenever i watch the tv show Friends, i imagine im the seventh friend, Dirk, who just stays home while all his friends do stuff without him
Psychiatrist: “Maybe you should be seeing a therapist.”
Me: “You sure like spending my money, don’t you?”
Let’s be honest Jurassic Park is about capitalistic hubris not science gone wrong. The science went gloriously right
I’m not flirting, I’m being friendly.
*gets on knees and undoes your belt*
Me to 8: Please stop growing bigger
8: YOU stop growing bigger
And just like that, a sweet moment was ruined
What idiot called them astronomers and not skyentists
Cop: This is a ticket for drunk and disorderly behavior.
Me: Can I have another? I’d like to bring a guest.
I date men whom have their life paths laid out firmly and don’t waver.
Yes, their paths are Psycho and Socio, but consistency is admirable.
Cop: GET DOWN ON THE GROUND
Me: I didn’t do…
Cop:*cuffing me* Dispatch, we have a creepy clown in custody
Me: These are my regular clothes
My god she’s good.
abolish “let me know if you have any questions” in emails
if someone has a question, I do not want to know
When people say “May I ask who’s calling?” I like to say “Sure, go ahead.”