I just finished a 5 year relationship. Luckily it wasn’t mine.
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My tiny son awoke with this thought, “Mommy, my dream was glitching. Why my dream was glitching?”
*scrolls Netflix for The Matrix
It’s time.
Me: Hi, thanks for meeting with me. Oh is it pronounced Caroline or Carolynn?
Her: anything is fine
Me: ……..ok Sarah, let’s get started.
I thought my house was falling down but it’s just my 4 year old working on his drum solo with my pots and pans
Every emotion briefly visited to open a jar of pickles.
Nice try, operating instructions. Nice try.
I’ve got this.
*grabs a hammer*
Naming my daughter “A Relationship” so I don’t have to worry about punks wanting to be in her.
me: aren’t you too old for a high chair
lifeguard: please go away
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but those single unmatched socks that have been on top of your dryer for years have a better chance of finding a mate than you do.
Before I proposed to my GF I asked her father but he was already married.
My kids went to great lengths, including the use of interpretative dance, to explain exactly how big the bags under my eyes are
If you’ve ever wondered about the joys of parenting
Felt so bad for this dude.
Imagine showing up to your son’s high school football game and he gets killed by Hitler.
If you don’t charge your Fitbit, it can’t express disappointment in you.
Gandalf: A wizard is never late, nor is he early; he arrives precisely when he means to.
Mrs Gandalf: *glares into the camera*
Me: *nervous giggle* Goodbyes are so awkward. Like do I go in for a kiss or what?
Drive-thru attendant: Please just take your food, sir.
I’ll bet Waldo owed some people money. You don’t get that good at hiding for no reason.
Mario Kart:
1) stays in first place for 3 laps
2) gets passed by 5 people at last second
3) slams controller
4) quits job
5) divorces wife
If you’re not suppose to eat late at night, then why is there a light in the refrigerator?!
[antique store]
customer: I want something new for my living room
me: do… do you know what antique means
Me: *destroys spider web
Spider: wow
Me: *puts up fake spider web
Spider: WOW
my gf bought a table, a doily, and then a much smaller table and a much smaller doily
Just saw a pal I haven’t seen in awhile and she said she’s been busy with her psychic doing past lives regression. That’s not my jam but wow am I stealing that line next time I need an excuse for being out of touch.
i’m selfie-employed. yes sir i’ll make a duck-face. right away sir.
We cracked the code to potty training our daughter. Spider man underwear. It took her picking out her own Spider-Man underwear to completely potty train herself. She won’t have an accident because she “can’t go potty on Spider-Man”. I can’t believe that’s all it took lol
Interviewer: Your resumé says your strength is confidence but your weakness is languages
Me: I think you’ll find it’s pronounced resume
Me: Mistakes my own hair for a spider at least once a day & screams
Also me: [watching Criminal Minds] I could totally be a cop
got kicked out of the louvre for checking to see if the Mona Lisa was a scratch and sniff
Deer population is controlled by releasing wolves into an area. All problems should be solved that way. Too much pollution? Release wolves in factories. Dislike Congress? Wolves. Wanna lose weight? That’s right, wolves.
me: i got into harvard!
cop arresting me for breaking and entering: yeah, we know
No parenting book or blog or sage advice warned me of having two kids in a car Rickrolling me by singing “Never gonna pick you up, never gonna drop you off” over and over on every school run