I just finished off my daughter’s leftover juice and swallowed a surprise tater tot. I’m not looking for sympathy, I just want you to be aware that this kind of thing can happen.
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Pro tip-If you bring a toy boat into a hot tub and repeatedly reenact the Titanic, in a few mins you’ll have the entire hot tub to yourself.
Don’t forget drink water and get some sunlight because you’re basically a house plant with more complicated emotions
Salad kits are great when you want to pretend you are trying to be healthy but also don’t have the energy to go outside and chop cabbages off of your cabbage tree and summon the Ranch God.
Ad: You like to save money, right?
Me (thinking): dear god, they’ve read my diary
Packing my lunch and including two fruits so they have each other to keep company when I don’t eat either of them
*backing my car up in the mcdonald’s drivethrough so i can say one more thing to the clerk* and by the way i’m not stupid. i’m smart
Friend: That was the exit. Did you see the sign?
Me: I saw the sign
F: …
Me: And it opened up my eyes
F: Oh no.
Me: I SAWW THE SIIIGNNN
Sister1: People can see your bra when you lean forward
Sister2: Yeah a beige one would be less noticeable than turquoise
Me: Well if they’re gonna get a peek it may as well be pretty
Ways To Win My Heart:
1) Be smoking hot
2) Be thin
3) Be a pig
4) Be bacon
Just try to look at your shoes the same way ever again,your welcome.
I miss the days before the internet, when you didn’t know some person’s every awful thought until they died and you cleaned out their attic.
*sets cauldron over crackling fire*
*adds lock of his hair*
*does magicky stuff*Now love me.
**POOF**
*my left eyebrow falls off*
*coworker stares at me as I unpack lunch*
Me: leave
CW: why?
Me: I’m never bringing a banana to work again, okay Todd!?!?
Fired my daughter’s math tutor when he said she wasn’t giving 110%.
Accidentally used the dog’s shampoo today, and I’m feeling like such a good girl.
Him: Will you marry me?
Me: omg what did I do, why don’t you want to have sex with me anymore?
Thank god attorneys let us know they’re attorneys “at law” so we don’t assume they’re attorneys at garlic bread or something.
A printer consists of three main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of using our years of education to change the world we can be butlers to tiny people who won’t stop screaming at us.
Just saw an amazing deal for Valentine’s Day “You’re My One and Only” cards.. 2 for $5
“How much for this melted ghost?”
Sir that’s a bed sheet
“You have a lot of them! And they’re packaged? IS THIS GHOST HELL”
This is a Macys
The pig jumped into bed with my 6-year-old all by herself.
It was super cute.
Then the pig threw up all over her.
Considerably less cute.
“Can I be honest with you?”
“Yes.”
“You don’t know me at all do you?”
sure sex is great but have you ever waved goodbye to houseguests
me *walks into house*
wife: Where are the kids?
me *turns around and goes back out*
You can’t change a person unless they wear adult diapers
*unfurls blueprint*
Ok here’s how I’m gonna make tonight about me.
I’ve been clicking “remind me later” on this work software update for 2 years when is he going to get the hint that I’m not interested?
As a child I was bitten by a regular, mildly venomous spider, and I’ve turned into a regular, mildly venomous person. The system works.
Just updated My Facebook status from “Single” to “In a Trinity”. #wayoverdue