I just flashed a goofy smile at the guy coming out of the bathroom at the coffee place because thought it was my husband. Then, to make it less awkward I said, “sorry you’re not my husband”.
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I trace wine labels in crayon and hang them from our fridge magnets; people think we have disturbingly gifted children.
I don’t care if you’re black or white… old or young… rich or poor… male or female… there comes a moment in everyone’s life when you raise your glass and realize… the damn coaster is still stuck to it…
[encountering even the mildest of inconveniences] and you would let this happen to me in this, the year of the King’s coronation?
The average person swallows 30-50 feral hogs in their sleep every year.
“I feel like I got off on the wrong foot.” – Star of a foot fetish flick criticizing his performance
ISAAC NEWTON: *apple falls from tree and lands on the ground at his feet* i have just discovered gravity
ME: *apple falls from tree and lands on the ground at my feet* i have just discovered fruit by the foot
Had a breakthrough with my therapist yesterday.
Never seen a man cry like that before.
The packing insert from our robot vacuum looks like it should be guarding a temple somewhere.
[Jurassic Park]
kid: What do you call a blind dinosaur?
me: What?
kid: Do-you-think-he-saurus
me *pushes him out of the tree*
My father once told me, “Son, if you want people to listen to what you have to say, claim it’s something your father told you.”
[first date]
HER: i’m really into astronomy
ME: [revealing my secret stash of Milky Ways] you don’t say
Saw a long chin hair and tried to pluck it with my nails but instead, curled it like a ribbon
{last supper}
Jesus: This bread is my body. This wine, it is my blood. And this Cadbury egg is filled with my…
Judas: Ok ok that’s enough!
Waiter: And what would the lady like?
Me:
Waiter:
Me:
Waiter:
Me:
Date: Gigi, he means you.
Me: *blushing* Oh, wow. He called me a lady.
Me: *draws pentagram, chants in latin*
Demon: *possesses me*
Me: *head spins around, neck cracks several times* ahh yeah that’s the shit
Demon: same time next week?
My wife asked me why I was doing the dishes while sitting down.
Told her it’s because I can’t stand doing it.
[when my crystal pendant starts glowing eerily] hold on, i’d better take this
I went to the Army Surplus store and they didn’t have a single extra soldier for sale. Come on. False advertising much? Old Navy can take a flying leap too.
interviewer: what can u bring to the firm
me: [places a tiny cactus on desk & smiles]
interviewer: I meant like clients
me: [removes cactus]
Visitor: When will you tell us where you keep the unicorns? 🦄
Us: As soon as visitors stop feeding squirrels and taking dangerous selfies with bison, we’ll let you know where the horses with giant spikes on their heads roam.
Me: *folding a fitted sheet*
Ghost: Ouch.
You: 2020 couldn’t get worse
Murder Hornet: Hold my venom
U U U U U U
An American’s tile rack after a Scrabble game.
damn. it takes a long time to soft boil 3 eggs when you don’t even turn the stove burner on in the first place
My long hair falls out constantly so I leave it everywhere for birds to make nests, your honor. That’s why my DNA proves I’m thoughtful, generous, and especially not guilty of this crime.
Okay you guys, I’m gonna distract Twitter with an internal server error. When I do, make a run for it and get your life back.
(Raising my hand) When this is all over will I be able to go down to the bar, have a few drinks & meet some attractive younger women?
My wife: For the last time NO!
If I ever become rich, you know where all my money is going?
To the bank
I’m not upset that you stopped my sneeze. I’m upset because you made my face look stupid for no reason.