Removed my spanx slip and accidentally ricocheted myself into the neighbors backyard.
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Me: Can you get me more sports drink at the store?
Wife: Beer isn’t a sports drink
Me: I drink it while I watch sports.
Coworker: can I tell you something but don’t tell anyone else?
Me: I already forgot the question.
every cop drama will have a notice that says “any resemblance to actual events or individuals is purely coincidental” and then the serial killer will be named something like ned lundy
Brunos are from Mars, Freddies are from Mercury.
The urge to say “yeah you should do that”, especially when you have no clue.
My girlfriend said Valentine’s Day is really important to her so I can’t wait to see what she has planned for us
I saw an ad for burial plots and I thought, that’s the last thing I need.
The best coffee is outside my house but the best no bra is inside my house so you see my dilemma
ohhhhhh today’s Friday the 13th, that explains the last two years
Remembering the most devastating your mum joke ever written
All I’m saying is anyone who thinks it’s a great idea to buy a black car with black leather seats, needs to make sure they test drive it on a 104° day.
[sharing a cold one with the guys]
“It’s my turn to hold the penguin now”
My wife: That’s not the clothes I sent her to playschool in.
Me: But she’s the right kid?
Wife: Yes. But…
Me: Cool. I’m going to play Playstation.
ok, i’m calling bullshit on Ariel singing underwater
I caught my son punching his sister and he said, “I didn’t punch her, I just poked her arm with my knuckles.”
If escape artist lying was a thing, then my son would be Houdini.
Me: Excuse me sir, what’s your Wi-Fi password?
Him: *[Leans in] *[Whispers angrily]
THIS IS A FUNERALMe: *[Types in]
THIS IS A FUNERAL
Apparently trying to edit the family cookbook to include ‘minced feelings’ at the end of every recipe’s ingredients list is “not okay” and I need to “seriously cut it out”.
self awareness is such a two edged sword omg?? like yay i know myself better!! but at what cost.
I could never do time in prison – The handshakes are way too complicated.
Can’t find my belt so I’ll just need to get fatter.
If owned an Italian restaurant, in October I would change the menu to say “fettucine afraido” and “garlic dread” and “boocatini”. I would go out of business, but it would be worth it.
Her: baby I’m so wet
Aqua-Man: *looks around* are you joking right now
forgive me baja for i have blast
how was your vacation
Having a tattoo in a hidden place is really just entertainment for the coroner.
He told her that trees blossom in her presence. What he meant was that she scares the sap back up into them.
I wish more modern politics was about trying to stop the fulfilment of an ancient prophesy.
(first date)
Her: I work in a science lab.
Me: (trying to impress) I donated my brain for research.
Whoa. I guess one dude quit: