@jonnysun: i just foumd out that humpty dumpty is suposed to be an egg. nowhere in the humpty dumpty poem does it say that humpty dumpty is a egg
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@Merman_Melville: Apple watch, loudly: "It is time for you to poop" Me: "A-as I was saying, our investors h-" Watch, louder: "It is your optimal poop time"
@yonewt: If I had wings, I'd spread them and soar like an eagle for about ten minutes then space out on a phone wire with these fat pigeons
@FknVancouver: My dog is so excited about me washing the car that I'm starting to think he borrows it while I'm asleep
@VaguelyFunnyDan: My wife is enjoying the attention I've been giving her lately & though painting a phone on her face is inconvenient, it's saved our marriage