i just foumd out that humpty dumpty is suposed to be an egg. nowhere in the humpty dumpty poem does it say that humpty dumpty is a egg
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The man who invented Velcro died. RIP.
My husband said he wants me to stop drinking and still be in a good mood. So I told him to stop putting gas in the car and still drive.
My daughter has an ice skating date with her boyfriend tonight. So I’ll be the guy skating behind two 12 year olds carrying a shotgun.
what do you mean i didn’t reach out i literally thought about you
customer: can I return this bird food?
me: we don’t take returns
customer: then can I give some feedback?
me: I told you no
My mother in law did not appreciate my request she “say hello to jesus for me” on her way out the door for mass
if the mechanic starts explaining the problem by saying “I don’t know who worked on this car before me…” you may as well just hand over your wallet and check back in a month
I accidentally said “pastryarchy” instead of “patriarchy” and now I have a vision for a better world
Sex is great and all but have you ever blown a snot rocket that opened your nasal passage up again?
If Twitter allowed us to attach a signature to each Tweet, mine would be : “He said, stupidly.”
I’ve been calling my kids children of the corn for so long my daughter just called me mom of the corn and I’m fine with it.
Who Left The Bag Of Idiots Open?
Me: I have 3 small kids, so preparing a healthy breakfast can be a challenge some mornings.
Friend: You should meal prep at night to make things easier.
Me: I guess I should have mentioned that the kids live here at night, too.
*phone rings
15: I hope it’s him!
*phone rings
25: hope it’s about the job
*phone rings
35: (handing phone to stranger) i died. tell them
So tell me, which of my chins is your favorite?
Cleaned out my kid’s backpack and found everything I’ve been missing since 1990
My son has stolen my iPad to play minecraft. Please retweet this so the notifications disrupt his playing.
5yo: Curious George is not a monkey
Me: yes he is
5yo: no he isn’t, he doesn’t have a tail, he’s an ape
Me: he definitely has a— *googling pics of Curious George* omg
I was offering free mammograms in the company parking lot long before my employer was doing it.
“Valentine’s Day is overrated and presents aren’t necessary to show love”
– *people who don’t get anything for Valentine’s Day
*me
The credit card machine at the liquor store wasn’t working so I whispered to it, “Please…. my mother is at my house,” and it felt bad for me and worked!!!!!!!!!!!!!
whoever you are. wherever you are. bring back our tupperware.
This one’s “Alex”.
I just saw a birdbath gravestone, what a great idea, visitors for life..or death I should say
Couch Potato: Do you think I’m fat?
Sweet Potato: I think you’re beautiful.
Baked Potato: Why do we have eyes that can’t see?
[ordering pizza alone]
Yeah I’d like a large pepperoni and
*changes voice*
A medium sausage
*changes voice again*
Another large pepperoni
I was just doing a show, and I thanked the audience for coming out during the Game Of Thrones premiere, and one guy went: “Oh no! Oh shit!”
The only thing I want written on my tombstone is “I’m standing right behind you.”
I accidentally wore a red shirt to Target last night and, long story short I’m covering for Debbie this weekend.
normalize being naked at the laundromat so u can wash ALL ur clothes