I just found a Cheerio in my sofa and we don’t have any Cheerios in this house.
*eats it
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The #NSA walks into a bar. Bartender: “Got a new joke for you.” NSA: “Heard it.”
Every craft store needs an aisle labeled So Your Child Has a School Project Due Tomorrow.
*holds flashlight under chin
Me: suddenly the mystery of…Son: haha Dad has like 3 chins
*drops flashlight
Me: SANTA CLAUS IS FAKE!!
I met a young fashion designer earlier, and it wasn’t long before I was in the bedroom ripping her clothes off.
I love counterfeiting stuff
THE TOP TEN WORDS OF 2012!!
1. End
2. Of
3. Year
4. Top
5. Ten
6. Lists
7. Are
8. Exercises
9. In
10. Stupidity
Yo. Real shit. Just bcause you went and got your logo printed on some t-shirts, that does NOT mean you have a clothing company. U got shirts
You probably need to be having sex prior to claiming you have a safe word.
Lisa never talks about her younger brother, Lava Lampanelli.
Girls are girls. They will wait for your reply without texting you!
My dog is starting a food blog where she writes about the delicious flavors of the various paper napkins she finds and eats.
Not to brag, but I just bought Eggland’s best eggs from the grocery store. Their BEST eggs. I got them.
[crime scene]
•detective flips open pocket watch•
Hmmm…precisely what I thought
“What’s that sir”
•closes watch•
It’s lunch time
My teenage children choosing violence
We could all chip in, buy Rolling Stone magazine, and take turns being on the cover.
Why do they call it beauty sleep when you wake up looking like shit?
WAITER: Would you like the usual, Mr Smith?
MR SMITH: *all smugly* Do birds fly?
*Penguin at the next table slams down his menu*
in other news: 8 hours from now, half the country will be screaming about tragedy and loss b/c some dudes didnt catch a ball enough times
“I think this cereal has gone bad.” *me drunk, eating Meow Mix*
Watching cartoons with my son is awesome except for all the commercials & now his Christmas list has 26,724 things on it. Shit.
Friend: Are you free this weekend?
Me: That’s not how this works. First you tell me what you had in mind and then I respond with either a “yeah” or a dishonest excuse
I bet you’ll watch the cell phone camera footage of this concert for years & remember the fun you had holding up a cell phone at a concert.
*puts on headphones
*cranks “Eye of the Tiger”
*downs energy drink
*laces up Nikes
*runs out into 13° weather
*runs back inside
*Naps
I realize that choosing a pasta can be a confusing and difficult decision, but for the love of all that is holy, move your cart to the side.
me: I’d like to buy that lady at the end of the bar a drink
judge: no
the best way to avoid people outside stores with clipboards is by carrying your own
The word résumé has fireworks coming out of it to help with the pronunciation yet we’re left to fend for ourselves with colonel?
Friend: You’re Catholic?
Me: Yes
F: And you eat meat on Fridays?
M: I can guarantee if I’m going to hell it’s not for eating meat on Fridays
We like the way Dwight thinks
I like to impress a first date by pulling never ending toilet paper out of my bra like a magician.
What’s a second date like?
Some cardinals and some ordinals walked into a bar, but the ordinals walked in first.