@E_lok44: I just found a Cheerio in my sofa and we don't have any Cheerios in this house.
@AmericanGent69: My 6 year old came into the bathroom while I was using it to tell me she hates it when the dog comes into the bathroom when she's using it.
@XplodingUnicorn: [out in public]
Me: A kid is crying.
Wife: It's not one of ours.
[we fist bump]
@BriarSlyMadness: Believing that you are popular or "famous" on twitter...
...is like believing you are rich because you won a game of Monopoly.
@Lisa_Laughs_: I don't care what kinda lighter you have, its fair game if its unattended. Unless its engraved, then I'll give it back for Christmas.
@Vodkantots: If he doesn't return your texts, it's because he's busy leaving his wife for you.