@E_lok44: I just found a Cheerio in my sofa and we don't have any Cheerios in this house.
@SharpeBytes: A customer just told me that it takes a 14 mile run to work off 1 Oreo. Don't worry she's dead now
@Abusitron: ME: I need you to look at my balls, doc *removes pants*
DR: Ok what seems to be the problem?
ME: *swivels hips sensually* Nuthin
@michaelianblack: Every picture I've seen of Neil Patrick Harris the last ten years has been of him adjusting his shirt cuffs. He needs better shirts.
@shadonium: Her: Show me your pics
Son: Dad, your phone finished restarting
@junejuly12: Thinking it's a not a good thing when the pizza delivery guy knows my dog by name.