I just found a Cheerio in my sofa and we don’t have any Cheerios in this house.
*eats it
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Her: Have you seen the salsa?
Me: Yes. I must have left it in the bathroom
Her:
“I’m not like other girls,” I say, clacking my pinchers and scuttling back into the murky lagoon.
DMV LADY: *showing my new license photo* Do you want to retake it?
Me: no I just look like that
What did one fungi say to another fungi when they got married?
“I want to grow mold with you.”
My dog, a descendant of the wolf, runs to me and cries when a leaf gets stuck to his paw
Seems I can never find good brussels sprouts at the store, so I decided to grow them myself. Turns out I don’t like brussels sprouts.
As it turns out, ‘harder’ is a terrible safe word
my glass coffin company “remains to be seen” is not doing as well as i thought it would.
How many raisins do I have to add to this bag of M&Ms before it qualifies as trail mix? One? I say one.
do the spectators at golf tournaments know they don’t have to be there
I turn my phone off overnight. A 3am text either means bad news or drunk people, and both make more sense in the morning.
[Scientific Conference]
Scientist 1: So science?
Scientist 2: *nodding* Science.
Doctor: “Just lie back and relax, I’ll start the lasik eye procedure in a moment.”
*Turns on laser*
*Patient’s face is attacked by cats*
Student: “May I go to the toilet?”
Teacher: “What for?”
Student: “To open the Chamber of Secrets”
I am such a dungeons & dragons guy in theory. but i just don’t have the attention span to make it work. i will show up super excited, name my elf some shit like Hyundai Elantra, and then you’ll never hear from me ever again
I’m awfully single for someone who lost their virginity 7 times in high school
[fumbling with my phone as I’m being murdered]
ME: *takes picture of my home screen*
Of course I believe in science, like how jelly grows inside donuts.
Most bags of sand live a tough life stopping floods. But some, the lucky ones, live a leisurely life tied to the basket of a hot air balloon
If you want to stop being invited to the children’s birthday parties, buy all the littles an air horn for Christmas.
You’re either you’re frolicking in this meadow with me, or you’re frolicking in this meadow against me.
In Canada at our Black Friday sales we fight to see who gets to hold the door open for others.
The only reason I watch political speeches is cause I’m hoping there’s gonna be a sniper.
I very much doubt that actual military commandos go into battle without underwear on.
What I’ve learned in life is that there is a time and a place to be funny, what I haven’t learned is to distinguish those times.
Just expressed my displeasure by showing my husband the chewed up food in my mouth because apparently I’m 8 years old.🤦🏻♀️😂
This cashier just held my five dollar bill up to the light in case you’re wondering how I do with first impressions.
Caught a belt loop on a door handle and got yanked back with such force that my audio is no longer in sync with my actions.
“Eighty-seven percent of people think lasers are friggin’ awesome.” – Pew Pew Pew Research Center
just left a huge legacy in there