I just found a Cheerio in my sofa and we don’t have any Cheerios in this house.
*eats it
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Breaking news:
Petition to allow customer service employees to fight at least one customer per day.
No parenting books prepared me for the exhaustion of constantly being excited about the mundane stuff that blows my 4 year old’s mind. Wow, a red pen! Wow, our cat! Wow, a slice of cheese with holes in it!
Do guys with big trucks realize the only big trucks women find sexually attractive are food trucks?
I get naked from the waist down before getting in the pool, because it’s gross to pee in your bikini.
*dad walks up to me stroking his beard* son, where do we keep the dog treats again? Im hun- *beard falls off revealing my dog. he runs away*
My boss just criticized me, saying that my writing is almost unintelligible and unbecoming a professional, but I don’t think it’s portmantotally malapropriate.
When I was a teenager, nobody told me about incense. So every time I smoked pot, I covered up the smell by cooking a whole meatloaf.
Yesterday, I learned about a crypto trading hamster that’s beating the S&P 500 and Warren Buffett. I now own 63 hamsters.
Cake!!
Find out what flavor of ice cream your kids hate and learn to love it. You will thank me for this later you’re welcome
Why is it when you take a break from Twitter everyone assumes you’re happy and in love…
Maybe I was in jail.
[therapy session]
THERAPIST: ok…I totally respect your feelings & you sound genuine…but that was just the plot of Jurassic Park
ME: nuh uh
[first date questions]
You like meat? I make killer beef jerky with leftover hobo carcasses…and she’s gone
Whatever she’s probably vegan
LIBRARIAN: yes over there
ME: do u have any books on time travel
*runs thru a couple holding hands like it’s the finish line of a marathon.
Women’s fall fashion is basically coming up with ways to wear a blanket without it looking like you’re wearing a blanket.
I spoke to my husband earlier
He seemed quite nice
Once a guy came to our door with an educational book-selling MLM. He tried to get my husband by asking “do you even know why a flamingo is pink?” And I guess the guy hadn’t anticipated running into a man raised on zoboomafoo because he walked away defeated.
I would like to think that I’ll die a heroic death but it’s more likely I’ll trip over my dog & choke on a spoonful of frosting.
[Garden Of Eden]
Adam: Is this your first time?
Eve: YES ADAM! Literally, everything I do is my “first time”, for the love of God please stop asking.
I’ve got 99 chores but I ain’t done one. ~Lay-Z
Someone asked me if I’d found my soulmate and I was like lol I cant even find my debit card.
WIFE: I’ve child-proofed the house
*our child walks in*
ME: Yeah, great job, Linda
Why was Bezos rocket named Blue Origin and not Shuttlecock?
Imagine a hunter in a deer stand but instead of a gun he has a long stick he pokes the deer with and they look around like “ok who did that”
Shoulder devil: Do it! Do it!
Shoulder angel:
Shoulder devil: Oh he long gone
Pizza shop said they loved unusual requests so I asked if they could find my dad.
BEN CARSON: On the news I saw a portal to another dimension open & robots came out, we need to stop that
MODERATOR:That was The Avengers sir
“I’m sorry I didn’t see your text, I didn’t have my phone” is bullshit.
“I’m sorry I didn’t see your text, my phone was four feet away and a cat climbed into my lap” is real. It’s possible. It’s terrifying.