One thing twitter has taught me is that someone, somewhere in the world is thinking exactly the same thing you are.
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Something I like to do when I’m voting is tell to turn to the person at the stall next to me and whisper, “What did you put for number 3?”
[first day as a barista]
ME: large coffee ready for a *squints to read* nice hole
NICHOLE: oh come on
*me, at the bank, mouth agape, looking around in child-like wonderment*
so, this is where my twelve dollars lives
*presses lips against mic*
I wished I sanitized this first
A few years ago my dad was driving me to my chemo appointment. Silence. He looked intense. I couldn’t imagine what he was feeling, I’m not a parent. I took his hand and said “what’s on your mind?”
He said “man…having antlers would be crazy”.
Hardest I’ve laughed. Carry on.
[Last supper]
Jesus: Same time next week guys?
*they all nod*
Judas: I’ll book a table for 12
Jesus: you mean 13
Judas: yeah..13, I meant 13
Bill Nye is short for William New Year’s Eve
Roses are flowers, violets are flowers, I’d love you more if you had super powers.
Met a friend from Twitter in real life and didn’t get murdered. Take that, Mom.
the sexual tension when everyone arrives at a 4-way stop at the same time
How many mystery writers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Two – one to screw it most of the way and the other to give it a surprise twist at the end.
if I were a pediatrician I’d break the ice with new patients by having the receptionist call my phone 3 minutes into the appointment and saying “look, Mrs Johnson, I run a busy practice- for the last time NO MORE MONKEYS JUMPING ON THE BED”
Just threw a ghost boomerang. That’s gonna come back to haunt me.
When I go to type “Lmaooooooooo” and accidentally forget the A
Seems kinda suspicious
Never bring a bag of cement to a pillow fight.
Unless you want to win.
Drove my Chevrolet to the levrolet but the levrolet was dry.
– an early draft
Caesar: friends, Romans countryman lend me your ear…
[2 days later]
*Caesar opens mailbox*
“oh FFS Van Gogh IT’S A SAYING!!!!!’
me: well I grew up without a dad and I turned out okay
cw: don’t u collect human teeth??
me: yeah but they’re not my teeth
I should run for public office just to see the scandalous dirt they dig up on me. I would really like to piece together my twenties.
CASHIER: okay, so your total comes to $13.82, have a nice day
ME (have spoken English literally every day of my entire life):
THANK
The best part of marriage is faking a deep sleep so he’ll let the dog out in the morning.
Thinking about when someone said their favorite conspiracy theory is that “JFK didn’t get shot. His head just did that”
flight attendant: sir u r seated in an exit row, are u willing and able to xyz in case of emergency
the highest guy you have ever seen: yes
Gift horse “My gums are bleeding.”
Dentist “Well this is a professional dilemma…”
Have you tried soaking yourself in rice to fix your problems?
~ Me as a therapist
[my dog poops]
man: pick it up!
[my dog poops faster]
I’m an introvert, but my middle finger is an extrovert.
[if my cat tweeted]
When “over 38” is sad and missing her boyfriend, I try and cheer her up by peeing on her shoes and puking on her phone.
Me: Mistakes my own hair for a spider at least once a day & screams
Also me: [watching Criminal Minds] I could totally be a cop