@CrissieC: I just found a half eaten hotdog inside of a Mr.Potatohead in the hamper. Living with a toddler is like living with a tiny hammered person.
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@novicefather: [iphone vibrates] 3yo: daddy someone is texting you [landline phone rings] 3yo: what is that sound?
@YoungManDadJoke: Your head is basically just the smartest part of your body wrapped in the spookiest part of your body.
@GrantTanaka: "I was thinking of all the shit I hate, so I made a list of all the shit I hate" *notices you don't care *adds you to list of shit I hate