Welcome to your 40s, being amazing in bed now is just not waking up your partner with your snoring.
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My dog thinks I’m the most amazing person on the planet but I don’t let it go to my head since I’m pretty sure the cat has me figured out
Why does this look like one of the ingredients is painkillers
I’m caught between needing new glasses and having already seen too much.
Me: Grab me the red one
Dog: Not funny
*asks Zumba instructor to sign my pizza permission slip*
I bet The Ring really made it hard for dead people that want to crawl out of your tv for friendly reasons.
That awkward moment you tell someone they need to take their Halloween profile picture down and they never put one up.
Fact: ants can lift 20 times their body weight, more if a bro is spotting them.
I’m no auto mechanic but I’m pretty good at letting people who drive behind me know whether or not they need new brakes
Up until five minutes ago I thought Coachella was a Disney Princess who made expensive handbags.
I’ve been attending Acronym Anonymous meetings recently. Or as I like to call it AA.
I’m not making a lot of progress.
Priest: and do you, Lil’ Jon, take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife?
Lil’ Jon: WHAT
Priest: you say “I do”
Lil’ Jon: OKAY
Priest: I do
Lil’ Jon: OKAY
Priest: I DO
Lil’ Jon: YEAH!
No, I am not okay. Facebook just showed me something I posted 10 years ago.
“You got any plans tonight?”
Me: Yeah, sorry I do
The plans:
The seatbelt sensor dinged at my 5yo because he unbuckled while we were parked, and he yelled back MY MOM SAID I COULD OK
If I want to get back at you for slighting me, I’m not going to embarrass you or insult you. I smoke, I rarely exercise, I eat tons of red meat, and I drank to excess nearly every day for 30+ years. I’ll make you my emergency contact
you can’t convince me that “starfish” doesn’t mean “kinda starf”
God: *frowns*
Angel: Sorry. I thought you said let there be peas on earth.
Why do fifty percent of marriages end in divorce?
Well, I’m guessing it’s because the other fifty percent can’t afford lawyers.
Fox: Winter is here. We need a plan to survive.
Bear: I have a great idea! We just sleep until spring.
Goose: Wanna hear migrate idea?
alladin: do u trust me
jasmine: i’ve only known you for 2 hours
a: so u don’t wanna jump off this rooftop
j: lemme ask my tiger first
So many homophobes turn out to be secretly gay that I’m nervous I’m secretly a giant spider
[infomercial]
ME: wanna know how to lose 15 lbs with 1 easy trick?!
AUDIENCE: YES!
*a surgeon amputates my leg right there on stage*
Why is my body letting me get a cold?
I gave it an orange only last week….
[first time paying taxes]
me: how much do I owe?
irs: 🙂
me: am I supposed to guess?
irs: :)))
me: what if I guess wrong?
irs: :))))))))))))))))))
Treat your guests like family, so they don’t stay too long.
So silly when you lose the cursor and also any sense of rationality so you just begin frantically shaking the mouse like a cop trying to force a suspect to reveal where they’re hiding it.
My grandma taught me it’s okay to use the really bad words only when someone messes with family, or when a bird shits on your head.