I just found a human tooth and a pair of underwear in my purse. I might be a serial killer or I might be a mom, you’ll never know.
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Hubby asked me to role play sexy maid but was sold out
*Dressed up like David Spade from Tommy Boy
“HOUSEKEEPING, YOU WANT ME FLUFF PILLOW”
So one of team members text me to say he wasn’t well and couldn’t make it to work. I don’t think the first text was meant for me…
Will no one rid me of this turbulent poodle?
Wow. Just found out that in England they’re called “Alvin and the Crispmunks”.
I know I’m gorgeous, young and sexy. My secret to eternal youth is a steamy bathroom, so my glasses mist up.
Top causes of divorce:
1. Finances
2. Infidelity
3. Unmet expectations
4. Growing apart
5. Tandem bikes
I want to be the person in every McDonald’s whose job is to sit on the sandwiches just before they go into the bag.
A chicken pie in Jamaica costs £2.00
A chicken pie in Trinidad costs £2.40
A chicken pie in St Kitts costs £2.15These are the pie rates of the Caribbean
Know why Norway puts barcodes on their naval ships?
so when they return to port they can…
Scandinavian…
When a kid wants to snuggle it means you’re about to get warmth in your heart and an elbow to every single one of your other organs.
Grammar: The difference between knowing your shit and knowing you’re shit.
Me (on a plane): oh dang my friends are going to flip when I send a pic of this airplane wing and the clouds
DAD: Look at this mess! Are you trying to attract ants?
ME: [bench pressing 10x my weight] Did they say something?
I asked my hairdresser which kind of cut would make me look good.
A powercut wasn’t the answer I was hoping for…
I have the body of a 21 year old bodybuilder. Can I borrow a shovel?
Wife: We’re going to have a baby!
Friend: Wow congrats! Are you going to find out what it is?
Me: I already googled and it’s a very tiny human
Whew, call me a Boeing 737 cause I’m barely holding it together
My dad and I went to a restaurant and the waiter pointed at the QR code on the wall and said “thats our menu” and left and my dad looked at it really close and said “Is this some kind of joke”
i want my tweets to have a faint hint of humor, like a joke la croix
You can’t see me anymore because of Ebola??!
Is she prettier than me?
She sounds hideous!
Well, I hope you’re happy together.*END CALL*
Don’t ever forget where you came from. That’s most likely where you left your car.
The only time I complain about my husband being on his phone is when I’m not on mine.
Hear me out…
A leaf blower, but for people.
Being trapped at Burning Man seems almost as bad as being trapped in a conversation with someone who went to Burning Man
“If only children came with instructions,” the witch lamented while preheating the oven
“Can I ask you a question?” – my daughter, 73 questions ago
When people show up unexpectedly for dinner:
Tonight we have slow boiled hot dog sat upon Dempsters bun with a tomato puree beside carrot sticks and crispy potato patty garnished with strawberry slices
Seductively sings in Klingon.
My daughter begs me to read one more recipe before bed,
“How does the Stroganoff turn out!?”I place a hand on their innocent forehead, “Darling, the stroganoff in the book will be just fine.” I stare out the window at the dark cold night, “But real life is not like in books.”
Maybe I need to quit questioning my parenting and start questioning my children’s childing.