I just found a Macklemore CD in a Thrift Shop and the Universe imploded.
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me forcing my cat to look at the screen while we watch alien (1979): do you see how ripley is able to save jonesy from the alien because he lets her pick him up and put him in a carrier?
what if our teeth screamed obscenities at us every time we brushed them?
Remember, if you get dumped it’s only because they’re looking for someone more attractive and interesting. It has NOTHING to do with you.
When I say I’m tired, the “of people” is silent
When singers at concerts hold out the mic for the audience to sing, it’s like what am i, your maid
If science is so great how come they haven’t invented a way to compliment someone’s smell without sounding like a serial killer
Coworker: You look angry.
Me: I’m not.
CW: Really angry.
Me: THIS IS MY NORMAL FACE
Having kids is like living with an on-line troll you can’t unfollow.
Milk crates are like a Swiss Army knife for the poor…
Need a stool? Milk crate!
A bookshelf? Milk crate! A side table? Two milk crates!
[turns to date during movie where bank robbers laugh & toss money around motel room] They won’t be laughing when it’s time to pick it all up
My 15yo just handed me this and apologised, explaining that he’s been contracted to kill me.
me: I quit, here’s my badge and gun
head lifeguard: your what
Me: I wish my life was like a Disney movie
Genie: *snaps fingers*
Me: …what changed?
Genie: your mom was shot in the woods
[finishing dinner]
her: should we stay for dessert, or you want to back to my place for that 😉
me: *scanning the menu* do you have chocolate souffle at your place?
her: no, but-
me: let’s stay
I don’t really care who wins the elections as long as everyone had fun out there.
I told my boss that he needs to raise my salary because two companies are after me.
Boss: “What companies are those?”
Me: “The electricity company and the water company.”
Sharon I have some bad news
technically you can breathe anything just not very long for some things
Ulterior motives? Please, I don’t even know why I do things.
Pretty convinced that my left eyebrow and my right eyebrow belong to two different people with very different lifestyles
me: whats wrong with this harmonica
cop: thats a breathalyzer
hey man i’m really worried about you.. your mum said you haven’t been looking after your gutbiome ?
I went out for a walk and the neighbor kids asked if I could play. Later losers, I have friends now.
Apparently, Indian banks will give you a loan only if you prove that you don’t need it.
There must be so many advantages to being a president or a king, but I’d wager that the most exciting of all is never having to carry your own house keys.
It tastes nothing like bourbon btw
Boy are you an automatic faucet? Just a slight hand movement and you’re spraying all over me.
Me: I have a million things to get done before Christmas
Also me: now seems like the perfect time to learn origami
Kids are the best get-out-of-everything card. Need to cancel plans? Blame the kids. House messy? Blame the kids. Look like a slob? Blame the kids. Cranky for absolutely no reason whatsoever? Blame the kids.
“The three ingredients found in every kitchen.” This recipe is making some fancy assumptions about my kitchen.