@wickedblondeone: I just found a quarter in the vending machine, if anyone is looking for a sugar mama.
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@QueefTornado: Me: This chicken is undercooked. Wife: You don't appreciate my cooking. Me: I think the vet could save it if it we took it right now.
@causticbob: If you're using public transport never give up your seat to an old lady... That's how I lost my job as a bus driver.
@Blarebare: Me: I just stepped in dog shit, isn't that weird? Her: Not really Me: Ok, what if I told you I knew it was there?
@Beerhaze: Doing the splits is easy -- slip on the first snowy step when taking the dog out and let gravity (and panic) make you an Olympic gymnast!