I just found a quarter in the vending machine, if anyone is looking for a sugar mama.
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Somebody asked me if I could go back in time if I would kill baby Hitler. Hold up. Hitler was a baby? This shit just keeps getting crazier
I mean I married my wife for her looks, but not the dirty ones she’s been giving me lately.
“Dad this is better than Applebee’s”
Well if you need me I will be over here filling out my MasterChef application.
Pro tip: if you want to get away with one word replies in work emails, just change the signature in your desktop email to ‘Sent from my phone’
I’m sorry, I didn’t hear one word after you said, “pie chart”
They say you are what you eat but what happens if you didn’t mean to eat it. I don’t want to be a bug.
‘I don’t think I’ve ever been this hungry before’
–Me, every 45 minutes
I don’t have to worry about my kids TP’ing houses on Halloween because apparently none of them know where the spare rolls are.
*being abducted by aliens*
Hey thanks guys it was getting pretty rough down there. What we got goin’ on, snack-wise?
Tinder: Meet people within a few miles
Twitter: Meet people within a few thousand miles
Welcome to your 40s, your gum’s flavor outlasts your chewing stamina now.
Not how I expected him to come back but okay.
I hop around on one foot a lot because the other foot is usually in my mouth.
Don’t drink and drive, also don’t call frozen yogurt “fro yo.”
My teen complained about my cooking, so I stopped fighting it and filled the freezer with frozen dinners instead of making dinner, and after a week of frozen dinners, guess who’s asking me to cook again.
imagine going to a job interview then they pull out a hotdog, dip it in ketchup, and begin taking notes
My proper Mom said to get fully dressed for a party and then remove one item.
But people always give me odd looks when I don’t wear pants.
I can’t stop thinking about how a tanning bed really turns you into the human version of a gas station hot dog.
My 5yo was talking incessantly in the car and my husband turned the music way up to drown her out and I fell in love all over again.
Hide and seek but only they forget to look for you.
Them:
Me: damn I picked a good spot.
ME: I’m giving you to the count of three
SON: does he have a castle?
Wanna feel smart? I just texted my sister a picture of her phone she left here
Point blank tho, never met a turtle I didn’t like. Sea, snapping, painted, teenage mutant ninja…
I don’t understand parents who always think their kids are blameless, I always assume mine are guilty and hope to be pleasantly surprised
Critical people b like: I’m not critical, I can just see faults better.
I fought the law* and the law* won.
*duvet cover
ME: [first day working at the Christmas tree farm] I shall treat them with love and attention as if they were my pets.
BOSS: I love that
ME: My fir babies
HER: Get out
Welcome to your fifties. You have seven pairs of reading glasses throughout your house, but you can’t find any of them, including the ones on your head.
yes, I did pass these out on my last family vacation.