I just found a whip, a mask and handcuffs in my mother’s room. I can’t believe it… she’s a superhero!
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having children is a pyramid scheme.
[Mon]
Boss: Let’s talk about your clothes
Adam: But it’s my best leaf
B: You need officewear
A: Understood[Tues]
B: Is that a sticky note?
Teaching your kids to question everything is important. Until you’re sitting there banging your head on the table.
im not former gifted student. i am still gifted. put me in a fourth grade class i’ll annihilate them all like i did the first time
Reduce your kids intake of sugary, fizzy drinks by shaking up the can before handing it to them.
Me: [sitting on a swing, eating goldfish crackers out of a plastic baggie at the park]
Him: How old is your child?
Me: Child?
Google photos: hey, here’s a picture from 10 years ago
Me: looks down and realizes I’m wearing the same shirt today
Son: *picks up backpack* I’m off!
Me: Where are you going?
Son: The bathroom. I hear it’s great this time of year. Been planning this trip for minutes.
[later]
Me: How was your trip?
Son: Highly recommend it. Good to get away for a while.
That 0.1% of bacteria that no household product can kill is what will inherit our earth
Balloons take up a certain amount of space in the package, but if you want to know how big they’ll be when in use you have to adjust for inflation.
we are always told “don’t eat the cookies that are cooling on the tray” and then “don’t eat the cookies that are in the jar” the loophole in this system is to eat the cookies while they are still baking in the oven.
People on Facebook Nowadays:
*Clicks pic while sipping coffee*
*Posts as DP with irrelevant caption: Every scar makes me who I am*
WTF?
Me: What are you excited to see at the aquarium?
2: Giraffes!
Me: There’s only water animals there
2: Cows!
[Sherwood Forest]
LITTLE JOHN: Go through it one more time for me
ROBIN HOOD: Ok…we rob from the rich…
LITTLE JOHN: Right
ROBIN HOOD: …and we give to the poor
LITTLE JOHN: And then we rob them
ROBIN HOOD: What? No! Why would we do that?
LITTLE JOHN: Cause now they rich.
[experiment to see if infinite monkeys on infinite typewriters will produce the complete works of shakespeare]
scientist 1: well?
scientist 2: close a few times sir, but someone keeps adding question marks to everything
s1, over loudspeaker: curious george to the front please
My neighbours are loud and obnoxious. Now I know how Canada feels.
For someone who dislikes Bill Gates, my dad sure does dress a lot like him.
My left ovary feels sore… like it was working out? I guess I’d say it’s
ovary active
don’t date writers. they will send you their screenplay after a day of talking and it’s like OH now I have homework???
Fruit and urinal give a bad name to cakes everywhere.
I probably shouldn’t say this, but if you googled “how to NOT get away with murdering somebody” and then just did the opposite there’s no way the cops could make you a suspect
Promises made to get to a toilet is who you really are
Your kid is old enough to drive, lady, get him out of the shopping cart.
“how can you be single?”
*smirks*
gimme 60 seconds, you’re about to find out
tony soprano is my role model because he’s always lightly sweating and yet still highly respected by his peers
[high school]
Parents: we’re so proud of you for not doing drugs
Me [literally does not even know where I could find an drug if I wanted one]: thank
Flat earthers be like ‘you wanna go bowling’ and then start throwing frisbees at the pins.
Wanna make a boyfriend? Choose someone who’s still playing Wordle. He’ll never leave you.
I sure hope the family likes these Slim Jim burritos.