I just found a whip, a mask and handcuffs in my mother’s room. I can’t believe it… she’s a superhero!
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sheep: hey give me my jeans back
wolf: no I need them for this idiom
[father & son looking up at the night sky—observing starlight from millions of yrs ago] son, the most important thing in this world is money
My ex got a name tattoo of the girl he married after divorcing me and now they’re divorced already. I love that shit universe, keep it up.
waitress: *showing me around the restaurant* welcome, is this your first time?
me: no no I’ve eaten food before
Airline passenger fell asleep on my shoulder. It was already awkward so I just went ahead & braided her hair.
Things toddlers have in common with raccoons:
– make messes they have no intention of cleaning up
– won’t share
– don’t like baths
– bitey
fiancé: please take off my bra and my skirt
me: *seductively takes off her bra and her skirt*
fiancé: if i catch you wearing my stuff again, i swear to god i’m gonna murder you
Coworker – Have you ever gotten Covid?
Me – Does my gut look like I’ve ever lost the sense of taste or smell?
Ovulating in your forties is like a going out of business sale.
You give me butterflies. I give them back. Please stop handing me insects, it’s really weird.
Like a shark smelling blood in the water, my toddler can also smell when I am eating my secret stash of cookies.
Me: Footlong
Subway sandwich artist: White or wheat?
Me: Cookie
Meatloaf wouldn’t have looked so winded if he’d just named the one thing he won’t do, instead of listing everything he would.
[teen me w/GF in my dad’s car]
Me: You wanna do it?
Her: *giggling* Yes
Me: *hears voice whisper no glove, no love* GET OUT OF THE CAR MOM
I’m sure it’s fine.
If I ever get kidnapped, my plan is to just talk non-stop about Lost until they see that I’m very annoying, and they return me to safety.
Thinking about how if early humans had obituaries how many of them would just read, “He tried a new kinda berry.”
twitter: you don’t owe ANYONE an explanation. ghost him. it’s called SELF CARE
twitter the next day: ghosting is literally physical abuse. DO NOT under any circumstances ghost ANYONE because they will likely decide to take their own life and you will be held solely responsible.
ME: I’m scared of dying alone.
SCIENTISTS: Don’t worry it’s a mass extinction.
Salad is being recalled. Do you know what’s never been recalled? Oreos.
Me: I’ve hit rock bottom
The Rock: Harder
My father was so strict that when he raised his voice, even the neighbors brushed their teeth and went to bed.
I feel like Donald Trump and Bill Clinton have a $1 bet that Trump can make Hillary president and Bill can make her not president.
Birds are dinosaurs? No. I want dinosaurs here or I want them completely gone. I don’t need a bullshit imitation dinosaur to shit on my car.
I just saw a squirrel dragging a wine bottle bag up a tree.
I think I found my spirit animal.
“My family doesn’t have a black sheep,” I say, while everyone avoids eye contact.
Why are they called fireflies and not Bugs Lightrear?
A public stoning, but it’s just a group of people throwing donut holes at me
*shaves, waxes lip, plucks eyebrows*
Okay, weigh me now.
I’m terrified of all my friends with babies learning that I’ve separately texted each of them: “Wow! That’s the best baby I’ve ever seen!”