Wow, what a moving acceptance speech from John Lithgow:
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China over there sending us Valentines day balloons to woo us amd we just shoot them down and enemy-zone them.
The Fast and the Furious is my favourite movie about me running away after dropping a vase in an antiques store
Me: *listening to the puppy drink water in the next room* you’re creating urine. Please stop
Don’t expect me to tweet between 8 & 9 pm because that’s when I dress like Madonna for an hour and dance provocatively in front of my pets.
I just fought a child-proof container to the death.
Me: *smoking* you were fabulous
Burrito: thank you
Best spot.. 😅
[At historic site]
Guide: Questions?
Me: What’s the wifi password?
G: I meant about 19th century life.
M: Oh….Dost thou have thy password?
Just told a teen about the music I listened to when I was her age & she said “that’s cool, I love the oldies,” so today I do my first murder
<gets pulled over>
Officer- What’s making all that noise in your trunk?
Me- My feelings. I’m trying to dispose of them properly.
I neither like nor want to date Taylor Swift, but I know at some point it’ll just be my turn.
another car tip: once a month, open the hood and rip out one thing. most of the engine is decorative and weighs down your car
If I ever get trampled to death by a herd of cattle I want my obituary to say I was pasturized. Thanks.
Interviewer: strengths?
Me: I’m sociable and can pretend to get along with most people….
Interviewer: er, ….. yes ok, right, moving on! Weaknesses?
Me: erm….*thinking furiously*…. bladder??
Bored, go into a fitting room wait a couple minutes then yell, “where’s the toilet paper”
They just called for “Jennifer” three times in the waiting room, and I have anxiety so there was a second where I wondered if my name was actually Jennifer
flea markets are crazy. an old woman will be like “this pendant belonged to my grandfather who forged it himself during the great war. it’s yours for $3.”
[in bed, 6 AM]
Me: Good morning.
Wife: mmmph
Me: Happy Easter.
Wife: mmhmm
Me: Guess who else is also Risen this morn-
Wife: GO AWAY
Panda express…🐶🐾🐼💨😅
I have a pun about carpentry.
but Im not sure if it woodwork…
[ alone in a dark cemetery ]
me: marco
There are two kinds of people here
1. Those who tried deleting another person’s tweet or reply.
2. Liars
I recently started a band called 999 Megabytes. We’re good but we haven’t got a gig yet.
Ok guys, very important meeting at the Waldorf Astoria Shovel Palace. Bring your own shovel!
78 just saw the ring light in my bedroom.
I told him that it’s for the plants.
Oh, he said, and went on his way.
There are no plants in my room.
me: babe theres a surprise for you under the christmas tree
my cat: *whispering* and also within
Our junk drawer is so big, it starts at the front door and goes all the way to the back.
[Applebees on Christmas]
God: Enjoy your meal?
Jesus: Ya, I-
[a crowd of servers surrounds them]
Jesus: You didn’t…
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO Y
I love arguing with you so much, I’ll bring a Ouija board to your funeral.
my cat was hiding under my bed like a paranoid weirdo so I put his bowl under there and he spurned it all day long & I forgot about it and of course I just awoke to the terrifying sound of an animal devouring something under my bed