I sit in the corner eating my tortillas completely confused by this salsa class.
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God [making birds]: They are going to start screaming in the morning and wake people up really early.
Angel: Like at 6 AM?
God: Earlier.
Angel: 5 AM?
God: EARLIER
Me: I’m bored
Dad: hi bored I’m dad
Me: I’m hungry
Dad: hi hungry I’m dad
Me: I’m here’s 20 dollars
Dad: hi here’s 20 dollars
Me: thanks dad
We’ve come full circle
therapist: you’re overthinking
me: what if-
therapist: don’t
me: WHAT IF
therapist:
me: what if everyone else is underthinking
Did you ever think about ten years ago you’d be saying.. “I really hope this is a chick I’m talking to”.
What Geico said: We just saved you 15% on your car insurance.
What I heard: You should go shopping.
My wife caught me looking at a seagull at the beach so now we’re in this big fight.
Roses are red,
Change comes with the tide
it’s “singles awareness day” uh yeah ok thanks I’m aware
a centaur has six limbs, a lower abdomen (horse torso), and an upper thorax (human torso), categorically making it a bug
When I was a boy we had to invent snow before we could walk 15 miles through it to get to school.
Roses are red
Novels have pages
Your boss’s profit
Is your unpaid wages
Every marriage has one person who throws things out, and a garbage-loving chaos goblin who says “But I was saving that!”
me: im depressed
therapist: try a good walk
me: will that work
therapist: yes *subtly gives a ‘thumbs up’ to my dog*
* Aggressively aggresses your aggressions into aggressivity. *
Spam emailers who use the heading “Loaded broccoli salad to win the holidays” are not to be trusted.
me: [unlocking door] id better warn you, im a bit of a hoarder
her: lol like what
me: well, most of its grandmas
her: [struggling to wade through hundreds of old women] i see
[Facebook]
Wife: Hubby is making breakfast for dinner![real life]
Me: *tosses Cheerios at the baby*
Share your cheese puns. Only the Gouda stuff, not de Brie.
luke: yoda, i wish for…….. your freedom
yoda: i’m not a genie. i’m a person like you. i just look really weird
Me: You sound like a broken record.
12:
Me: *sigh* You sound like a corrupted digital audio file.
12: Oh. Gotcha. Thanks for translating from ancient Sumerian to English.
me: your honor, the defense rests.
judge: well they picked a pretty stupid time to take a nap i mean they’re on trial for murder.
Pro tip: Wearing an 18th century corset really weeds out the quitters
rotate my tires? buddy, I rotate em all the time. that’s how the car gets places
therapists do NOT have all the answers. like sometimes a client will be telling me something really difficult and be like “what do I do????” and in my head I’m like oh man, i don’t know……you should really see a therapist about that
Writing ‘thanks.’ instead of ‘thanks!’ so you know I’m mad
[getting arrested for public nudity]
Cop: PUT YOUR HANDS OVER YOUR HEAD
Me: …
Cop: YOUR OTHER HEAD
Me: how much for the seal Dracula
Zoo keeper: that’s a walrus
If you can make dinosaurs out of a mosquito in amber and some frogs you can probably also make dinosaurs that don’t want to escape and murder everyone feels like maybe Jurassic Park should have workshopped this more.