This day in history. 1950. The FBI put out its first 10 Most Wanted list and my dad lost a bet because only 2 of the guys were his brothers.
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[immortal aliens studying us]
After about 80 years, they enter a larval stage and lie dormant underground. We don’t know what happens next.
There was a sense of accomplishment finishing the daily newspaper. I literally have no idea when I’m supposed to stop reading the internet.
Me: Why are you digging in your ear?
3: Daddy pulled out coins yesterday and I’m looking for more for my piggy bank!
Me: Well in this economy it can’t hurt to try
My GPS told me to drive up an off-ramp to get onto a highway going the wrong direction so I’m going to pass on getting into a self-driving car, thanks.
Went to the doctor today because I was experiencing some pain and he told me it’s because I’m an “overly aggressive wiper” and honestly I think I’m putting that on my dating profile
Growing up I was convinced the only reason my parents had kids was so we could change the channel on the tv.
This all started with Meghan’s friend setting her up on a blind date with Prince Harry. My friends are actually useless.
There are 3 types of guys in this world
● 1) Handsome
● 2) Lucky
● 3) Me
does my company policy say i can bring 7 or 8 ducks to work? no. does it say i cannot bring 7 or 8 ducks to work? also no.
[During sex]
Her: That fan of yours is loud and distracting
Me: It helps me in bed
Fan: *clapping approvingly* Yeah bro WORK THOSE HIPS
I’m okay, you?
Yea. Not bad. You?
Yea. Not too bad. Wby?
Yea I’m okay. You okay?
Yes. Not bad. You?
Not too bad. You?
Yes I’m alright. You okay?
Yes ya know. The usual. You okay?
I’m okay thanks. How’re you?
I’m okay thanks. You okay?
I’m okay
Good
Okay
Bye then
Bye
I call my nephews “Dude” and “Homie” because I’m the cool Aunt! (I don’t know their names.)
Dwayne Johnson, paper, scissors
I can’t remember exactly when I started baring my bottom in public, but it was many moons ago.
Teenage Jesus: Hey dad, why you wearing that crucifix?
God: It’s an idea I have for a public holiday.
TJ: Huh?
G: It’s complicated.
911: what’s your emergency?
me: there’s a really loud fight next door
911: we’ll send a narcissist with anger issues and a gun
me: omg thank you
My mom accidentally killed my boyfriend this weekend. She didn’t recognize him when she was canning pickles.
50% of parenting is just trying to decide if that noise is worth walking up all of those stairs.
I hate when I’m checking out a bag of chips, and the guy standing in front of it, thinks my lustful gaze is meant for him.
Me: Alexa, did you hear what Siri just said about you?!
Alexa: Hold my beer!!!
Major Tom: This is Major Tom to Ground Control
I’m stepping through the door
& I’m floating in a most peculiar way
GC: New phone. Who dis?
Today I was on the treadmill for over an hour. I was so pleased with my progress that tomorrow I might actually turn it on
There’s a reason when we have to smile for a photo we say “cheese,” and not “salad.”
At the end of “Grease,” the car just started flying and everyone was all, “Aw, good for them.”
My boss is getting the whole team a license to kill, hoping that we’ll Bond.
Me: I’m not a morning person
Everyone: no shit
me: is there anything i can do about my dry skin
dermatologist: aloe
me: hi is there anything i can do about my dry skin
Parent drinking game: Anytime a kid drops something and doesn’t pick it up you dri…
aaaaand I’m drunk.
SCIENTIST: Dear God! Were… were you chewing bubble gum when you went through the teleporter??
ME, a pink, lumpy man-shaped blob: Uh… no.
SCIENTIST: Oh… sorry.
*Naming my child*
WIFE: What’s the girl version of Matt?
ME:… Mattress?