Drugs CAN make your life
miserable but if you wanna
leave no room for error,
try a Marriage Certificate.
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To bye at an auction you should bid adieu
Man who looks forward to spending his entire life with Kim Kardashian disagrees with Grammy decision.
HUSBAND 911: what your emergency?
ME: my wife hears everything
HUSBAND 911: do I?
ME: what?
HUSBAND 911: what?
Kevin Hart 🤣🤣🤣
nothing about reading dr seuss has convinced me that he’s actually a doctor
The worst thing about parallel parking is witnesses.
*Workers at the pinball factory trying to go home, but the automatic swinging doors keep knocking them back inside*
*at a pizza buffet in the Midwest*
Me: excuse me, can you please make a vegetarian pizza?
Him: Sure! What kind of meat do you want on that?
Did you know?
Salmon swim upstream through intense water rapids to mate, lay eggs, then die. They leave their young to fend for themselves.
[Looks at my kids fighting over a piece of lint]
I think salmon have the right idea.
You can’t intimidate me; you’re not a hairbrush.
Aladdin: 🎶I can show you the world-
me: I’m cold this is boring
@Lottie_Poppie I’m at my ideal weight. If I was a baby blue whale
No more questions until my mom gets here
-Me to HR
Netflix would be by far the best dating site. “Here are 9 other singles in your area who have also watched Pokemon for 12 straight hrs”
ME: What are you watching?
WIFE: The Wheel Of Time.
ME: It’s called a clock, Sharon.
HER: Get out.
Sex is great but have you ever told some dude that there wasn’t enough room for the two of you on a very large floating door after your ship sank to the bottom of the ocean on it’s maiden voyage?
Pennywise does live in the sewer, rent free. That speaks to financial discipline. And he eats children, who are also free. Based on that, I’m gonna say the name is more likely earnest than ironic.
As parents we have to make sacrifices all the time. Today I had to eat my kid’s ice cream because she couldn’t finish it.
Guy: I want to be more than friends
Me: like business owners?
Before the “accident” they were Duran Duran Duran
All I’m saying is no one ever country westerns you like a hurricane.
[first day as mortician]
My boss: Find out if they want cremation or burial.
Me: Howdy folks, smoking or non-smoking?
Just witnessed a home depot walk of shame (guy taking his purchase back in because it wouldn’t fit in his car)
Don’t eat yellow snow. Red snow, on the other hand, is debatable. Could be horrible, could be cherry.
Someone at work just yelled “go team” so I reported her for creating a hostile work environment.
hey (with the intention of telling Jude not to make it bad)
I’m surprised more killers haven’t lured their victims into their houses by blind folding them and promises of being on a febreze commercial
There was a moth on my computer screen so I googled “what eats moths?” and found a picture of a bat. I moved the picture around the screen to try and simulate flying. The moth was undisturbed but my experiments continue.
Things to say instead of “I hope this email finds you well”
-I hope you reply quickly
-Now, pay attention
-I hope many things but life isn’t fair
-Listen in
-Let’s do this!
-I will say this only once
-Your hair looks nice
-I’m tired, let’s get this over with
-Here we go again…
Well I guess someone had to be the cautionary tale. You’re welcome, everyone.