I just found out Nicki Minaj isn’t animated!
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The Dark Web implies the existence of a Medium and dare I say Blonde Roast Web.
The first 8-10 hours after I wake up are the roughest.
My tinder profile says I love dogs but then on dates I elaborate that it is hot dogs and corn dogs
Things that cause extreme panic:
– Accidentally liking a Tweet
– No milk
– Unknown numbers
– The question “you don’t remember me do you?”
God making man in his image was the original selfie
Petition to allow customer service employees to fight at least one customer per day.
robert frost: i took the road less traveled by, and that has made all the difference
boss: you’re six hours late
“Robin, I don’t care how much you love that show. We’re not opening the batcave to Storage Wars.”- Batman.
I once put a baby in adult clothing and placed him on my desk with a water bottle labeled “fountain of youth” right next to him.
I forgot to bring my bags to the grocery store, people looked at me like I drove there on an aerosol can, then slit a baby seal’s throat.
CUTE GIRL I LIKE: I’m gonna hang up
ME TRYING TO FLIRT: No you hang up
Mrs. Cinnamon Toast Crunch is about to eat her family and honestly I get it
he asked “what are we?” i said we the best
omg the traffic lights are red and green for Christmas 🥺
I’ve counted 8 people so far whose New Years resolutions include “loose weight”. Can I add spelling to your list too?
Might start a YouTube channel “will it hurt if i drop it on my foot”
Daylight saving? I’m ready for daylight spending
me: [has anything]
my cat: were you going to sit on the rest of that
Thought I would never find true love until a beautiful woman stole my heart.
And my kidneys, and my corneas, and my lungs.
ME: holy shit is that the pope?!
HER [tugging on my arm]: sit down that’s the bride
{On Tinder}
ADAM: *Swipes right*
EVE: *Swipes left*
GOD [clears throat and presses intercom]: Eve can i have a word with you please
Today I learned not all people are appreciative of vetriloquism. Especially my gynecologist.
A woman just left the liquor store without buying anything.
I can only assume she was dropped on her head as a baby.
(Standing naked in front of the mirrors, trying to figure out which one makes me look thinner)
Home Depot Manager: “If you don’t leave now, I’m calling the police.”
*a snake wearing one skinny jean*
My dentist recommended I sleep with a mouth guard, but I’m skeptical insurance even covers who I sleep with.
Everyone who works in customer service should legally be allowed to fight one customer a year.
Coworker: can I tell you something but don’t tell anyone else?
Me: I already forgot the question.
Absolutely no one
Me (3 days later thinking): hmm he never argued against the fact that I said I weigh more than him….
“You look really pretty today,” I said as I looked in the mirror, and my reflection replied, “And you…um, you have a GREAT personality.”