@Book_Krazy: I just found out that all the different colors in Fruit Loops are the same flavor, and now I don't know what's real anymore
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@Awk0Tacoo: Every chick magazine ever: You're beautiful and are perfect just the way you are! How to loose ten pounds in ten days you fat, ugly cow.
@XplodingUnicorn: Wife: We need to go to the store. We’re out of milk. Me: We can wait a few days. Wife: We’re out of beer. Me: *dives in the car*
@GrandadJFreeman: I hate when new parents ask who the baby looks like. It was born 15 minutes ago, it looks like a potato.
@tastefactory: *I finish setting up a display of skeletons in my front yard* Neighbor: Great Halloween display! Me: What is halloween?