@13spencer: I just found out that "Birdman" has nothing to do with Hawkeye, and now I want to see it.
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@ShesARealGenius: I like how Band-Aids come in 2 varieties: Stays on For a Second Before Falling Off or Needs WD-40 For Removal From Skin.
@KyleMcDowell86: [on date] *okay don't let her know you're a T-Rex* Her: Can you pass the salt please? Me: Crap...
@spacej_me: Some people have sex to make a baby but I prefer the old fashioned way of capturing a wild baby, and that's how I ended up in jail
@bourgeoisalien: I like this time of year because I can dig graves in my front yard and people think it's just a cute Halloween display