me: i hope i die suddenly and without warning
friend: agreed when i’m old i hope it’s abrupt and not drawn out
me: old?
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My cactus judges
All of the other houseplants
For how much they drink
People who enjoy salt & vinegar chips are a sturdier breed, more prepared for life’s challenges
I watered my garden and then it rained so I’d like a refund please
Good cop: frisks you
Bad cop: takes his time
The Conjuring 3:
Evil spirits torment another single mom & her kids.
The kids torment them back.
They’re better at it.
The spirits flee.
“Trust your gut”
the thing that can’t handle spicy foods? Okay, sure
[consoling friend after break up]
me: don’t worry there’s plenty of other fish in the sea
global warming: like hurry tho
*Arrives at ticket stall with my girl* Me: Two tickets to the movie please. Attendant: For The Hobbit? Me: No, that’s my girlfriend.
If I was a Disney princess I’d most likely be Tacobelle.
Thanks for reading.
Putting clothes on an animal is like putting on an overcoat over your overcoat.
My uncle was sitting alone at the table & I said “sitting with all of your friends?” And he said “yeah having a good conversation with your boyfriend.” I love the holidays!!!
HOW DO I CONVINCE EVERYONE THAT I’M NOT UPSET SOMEONE STOLE MY CAPS LOCK KEY?
Friend from out of town asked if he could crash on my couch. Had to explain to him that I’m married now, so that’s where I sleep.
my dog: LEMME OUT
me: you gonna bark?
dog: I HEAR THINGS LEMME OUT
me: what things?
dog: OMG THE WIND LEMME OUT
me: you don’t need to bark at the wind
dog: YES I DO CAN’T YOU HEAR IT BLOWING OUT THERE AND MAYBE IT WANTS TO PLAY OR BLOW THE HOUSE DOWN OR OR OMG LEMME OUUUT
Men don’t use the Internet. Don’t believe me women? Go check your man’s search history. Guarantee it’s empty.
Who else does this 🤦🏽😂
If we meet in a social situation I’ll typically take over the conversation, do a tight five or ten minutes then clam up for the rest of the evening. That’s all I got. The next two hours is on you.
I’m not a jealous person but seriously, if you star her tweets one more time I’m going to squeeze the balls of this vodoo doll so hard…
How many husbands have I had? You mean apart from my own?
There’s a song playing in Panera that goes “I got your Christmas right here”, and this just sounds so aggressive to me .
lmao
I sleep better naked…why can’t the flight attendant understand this?
No I can’t go questing today my squire has midterms.
High school: rough age for some
High fiber: roughage for others
This is the huge spider that I killed inside my shirt by slapping my side while driving my kid to school. So, yea, I’d call it a win win.
I can’t make everyone happy, I’m not lasagna.
But I can cause heartburn like red sauce.
[before surgery]
doctor: we’re going to put you to sleep now. have you done this before?
me: yes, every night
My parents told me I could be anything I wanted so I became unacceptable