@13spencer: I just found out that "Birdman" has nothing to do with Hawkeye, and now I want to see it.
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@cbdoubleu: Wife: I lost my day planner. Me: Not in your briefcase? W: No. I looked EVERYWHERE. M: Well it looks like you've got a hidden agenda W:
@iwearaonesie: "This is why I hate fancy restaurants, I can never pronounce anything on the menu" -me, drunk, holding the Waffle House menu upside down
@ShortSleeveSuit: Basic white girl [laughing]: Yasssss omg I'm dying! Takes Everything Literally Todd [shocks her with a defibrillator]: NOT ON MY WATCH!