If YouTube ever goes down nobody will ever figure out how to tie a tie again.
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I finally spilled coffee over my favourite t shirt and now I can wear it all day any day.
The answer, my friend, is actually blowing in the wind plus 23.
I’m not dramatic but my money has to be facing all the same way and right side up, otherwise the world will explode.
Birth certificates need a popup dialog box: “Are you SURE you want to spell your kid’s name that way?”
CW: I think you’re two-faced
Me: Why don’t you say that to my face
CW: I just did!
Me: No. My other face.
A jellyfish can go its entire lifetime without ever meeting a peanutbutterfish
Ok, Don’t let them know you’re an egg
“Mr Yolk, you are 20 minutes late for this interview”
[drags on cig] I was getting laid by a chick
HER: i love babies
ME: *trying to impress* i cry when i’m hungry
Welcome to parenthood. You now see every movie six years after it came out. Except for Disney movies. You see all of those immediately and on repeat.
Trying to break up with an optician, but every time I say I can’t see you anymore, she moves an inch closer and says “how about now?”
*on first date*
Did you know that wool sweaters are the closest you can legally come to being inside a sheep?
Boss: I’m sorry but we have to let you go.
Me: Really? That’s not what these pics of you and your secretary said. They said I need a raise.
[knock on door]
JEHOVAH’S WITNESS: do you have a few minutes to talk about jesus?
ME (hates gossip): no
(my very first day as President)
Alright folks here’s the deal, we’re gonna turn the volume of motorcycles down a skosh
I bet Stephen King’s kids aren’t afraid of shit.
College goes from 0 to 100 so fast. You go from just hanging out for a few weeks then all of a sudden you have 4 exams 5 quizzes 6 speeches and 7 papers due in 2 days
Why does everyone keep telling me to ‘grow a pear’? I don’t even like pears.
My dog and I both lose our minds when the doorbell rings but for totally opposite reasons……….I don’t want company
Me: We should get a bigger car.
Wife: You’re not thinking we should have another kid, right?
Me: No, I’m just tired of being able to hear the ones we do have when we are driving.
[presenting my dissertation] Tom has been chasing Jerry for years, but all he gets if he catches him is a light snack. The time investment isn’t worth the reward. Tom is therefore a victim of the sunk cost fallacy. Next slide please,
People that say “we’re not even white, we’re pink” obviously haven’t seen the parts of me that have never been in sunlight.
<thud>
*shoe lands on sidewalk
*picks up shoe
*sees it’s my size
*looks up
*sees man stuck in tree
*sits
*waits for the other shoe to drop
Me: can I have a few extra days off over Christmas
Boss: it’s May
Me: sorry, may I have a few extra days off over Christmas
What do you call a cow that eats your grass?
A lawn moo-er.
me: where can I find shovels and toilet paper?
clerk: going camping?
me: no
9 yo me: wow I love my public library yes I’d like to check out 14 novels that are above my reading level. Be back next week
Me now: wow I love my public library yes I would like to check out one—I believe it’s called a Bööke? I will be back in 3-5 business months
[car in front of me stops to turn, forcing me to slow down slightly]
ME: I hate you
I have felt uncomfortable before. But we were just passed by a slow moving hearse and funeral cars… My son is dressed as the grim reaper.
He f**ng waved.
Social media allows me to review all my mistakes in chronological order…with pictures.