I just found out that blackbirds aren’t afraid of squirrels and now I’m afraid of blackbirds.
You Might Also Like
‘can you smell what the Lord is cookin?’
– Christian Rock
Black Friday is the Christian holiday where Jesus rose from the grave at 4am to get in line to purchase a discounted HDTV for his Father.
Kidnappers: *repeatedly dropping me as I slip through their grip*
Me: *earnestly apologizing for how sweaty I get during social interactions*
[Service Dept]
Mechanic: Ma’am, your alignment is all out of whack. Is this an off road vehicle?
Me: Sometimes. But never intentionally.
Me : I just ELECTROCUTED myself
Wife: How SHOCKING, how do you CURRENTLY feel ?
Me : I’m kind of AMPED.
Wife : WATT, I can’t hear you
Me : I said it HERTZ a lot.
My walk of shame is going back for a shopping cart after realizing I can’t carry 23 items in my arms through the store.
It still bothers me that airplanes aren’t called skyscrapers
KID: I’m a brat!
WILLY WONKA: I am going to have you murdered.
“I’d like to raise a toast.”
*Cradles bread in arms, accepting this step into motherhood*
Living the best life.. 😊
Don’t name your car. It’s not a boat. Don’t name your boat either.
Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: Answering stupid questions.
Cop: license and registration please.
Me: (gives cop both)
Cop: you drinking tonight?
Me: no.
Cop: you handed me 2 empty beer cans.
I took my hair out of the messy bun and made it a less messy bun and my husband asked if I was going somewhere.
Him: you’re so cool
Me: thanks
Him: …and aloof
Me: thanks
Him: it’s like you were raised by cats
Me: *licks his face* huh?
My 4yo is constantly asking us if he can push buttons and it’s like…you already do buddy…you already do.
If I could have dinner with anyone alive or dead I would pick alive almost every time that way they can split the check
Turn that Robert Frowney Jr upside Downey Jr.
When Granpa revealed an exit wound scar from WWII it gave me strength to show him the owie owie bruise I suffered closing a faulty pizza box
My first thought after seeing some recent footage of UFOs in our airspace was, “Guys, could you come back at a better time?”
Without freedom of speech we wouldn’t know who the idiots are!
I miss the days when people used to be less nostalgic.
my immune system told me it’s a lover not a fighter
We have received 4 Christmas cards this week. I’m glad to see so many others don’t have their shit together either.
there is no way you can prove that babies grow and are not instead replaced overnight with entirely new but slightly larger babies
Bill Nye is short for William New Year’s Eve
EXECUTIONER: Any last words?
ME: I’m wearing women’s panties.
EXECUTIONER: I meant from the prisoner, Dave.
i took a british guy home and when i woke up all my artifacts were gone
PSA:
Drunks will undercook grilled chicken every single time.
Friends don’t let friends get drunk and grill chicken.