I just found out that the only thing you need to apply for a marriage license is your ID and an idiot.
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If I was stranded on a snowy mountaintop with friends and had to resort to cannibalism, the most horrific part would be not having ketchup.
Every birth announcement I see the parents are like “we’re already so in love!” Just once I want a “she seems chill but we’ll see what happens”
me: what’s your favorite book
her: I love 1984
me: just pick one
[armed robbery]
gf: pls babe he has a gun, this isn’t the time to mess around, just call the cops
me: no. *pulls out deck of yu-gi-oh cards* i have to trust the heart of the cards
robber: you should’ve listened to your little girlfriend, kid
*pulls a deck out of his gun*
PSYCHOLOGIST: [holding up inkblot] wat do u see
ME: a outdated discredited method with no scientific backing
PSYCHOLOGIST: [starts sweating]
If you take terrible vacations, it’s more exciting coming back home
As I exposed my glorious chest hairs & catapulted toward the Velcro wall, I realized that I had no exit strategy.
When I was at the Dollar Store, I saw this cat food called “Alley Cat” and all I could think was with a name like that why not save yourself a buck and just feed your cat out of the trashcan?
Giving my wife a drum solo for christmas she ain’t better than Jesus.
[polygraph test]
Tester: Have you ever committed a crime?
Me: Committed, or been caught?
Tester: …
Me: That was just a joke. Many people consider me quite witty.
*needle goes crazy*
Son: “Mommy, look, this is how you draw infinity!”
Me: “Yes, sweetie, that’s so smart!”
Son: “It looks like a hiney.”
What’s the name of that Adam Sandler’s movie were he plays an immature adult?
If it says “typing” for more then 2 minutes… you’re gonna have a bad time.
Went to a Halloween party at the zoo, the animals were dressed as sexy people.
I think I want to be a ballerina. Or a fire dancer. Or I want to set a ballerina on fire. I don’t know. I’m still working it out.
I always sit in the middle stall so I have a bathroom buddy.
2: Mommy!!
Me: Yes?
2: NOOOOOOOOO!
I have sitting jeans and I have standing jeans, but I don’t have a pair that’ll do both.
All of our friends were having babies, so my wife and I decided we might as well go ahead and get new friends.
“I said, ‘No’”
– me, about to give my dog my sandwich
HUNDRED DOLLAR IDEA:
Go to an ATM.
Withdraw $100.
Useful cooking directions would read: remove package from garbage, read instructions, repeat
I’m starting a merciful puzzle company that keeps the edge pieces separate from the middle pieces because it’s 2019 and we shouldn’t have to work so hard to be bored.
Wait …
“El Chapo” is a Mexican drug lord ….
and not the guy who’s been stealing
our Chapsticks for years ?
boss: there aren’t problems, only opportunities
me: ok there’s a huge cockroach opportunity in the break room
Me: This is a beautiful flower arrangement
Host: That’s a salad.
7am: *starts diet*
7pm: *eats the house*
Tai Chi in the streets. Chai Tea in the steeps.
what idiot named them vampires instead of hemogoblins. pretend it’s ten years ago. enjoy yourself
Haven’t tweeted much the last couple days. Trouble at home. Marital trouble. We’ve always been a team, worked through things well together but now we’ve hit an impasse that I’m not sure how we can work out.
She’s gotten sick of pizza.