I just found out that there’s a dating site for people with mullets and the people who love them. Lol! *looks over shoulder* *signs up*
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At Costco I just bought my cemetery plot, my casket, and the 80 lb bag of beef jerky that will eventually kill me. One stop shopping.
COME TO ME JOURNALBOT
*Journalbot enters my study*
ok write this down: Polar bears are bear ghosts. “polargeists”
[very sad robot noises]
me: what time is it?
tour guide: 4:20
me: how can you tell?
tour guide: See how high the sun is?
[sun is eating spaghettiOs with a spatula]
[911 call]
“My hand’s stuck in a blender!”
“Turn it on then.”
“What?”
” I can’t hear it, turn it on so I know you’re not lying.”
Jokes on you, inflation, I’ll never stop buying peanut butter.
Nephew: Hey, Uncle Jesus, can you buy me and my friends some beer?
Jesus: No, but I can get you wine. Let’s go over to the water cooler, shall we.
Since he knows me best, I’m adding my bartender as a LinkedIn reference.
never forget
[standing outside in the rain]
*opens weather app*
Looks like rain today.
[Invention of Tennis]
“…and you just try to hit it back to me”
Wow, that’s really simple
“Yeah, I wanted it to be very straightforward”
For sure that’s the best part about it
“Uncomplicated, you know what I mean?”
Exactly! No weird stuff
“Yeah”
So how do you keep score?
ME: Tell me my future.
PALM READER: I see you going to prison for murder.
ME: Hah! Shows what you know! This isn’t even MY palm!
[doctors exam]
“I’m feeling a lump here. Here’s another. You have several lumps.”
-uh oh, what does that mean doc?
“it means you’re fat”
Plain white T’s: A thousands miles seems pretty far, but they’ve got plans and trains and cars
The proclaimers: *after walking 500 miles and 500 more* ……they have…. WHAT?!
AVATAR
AVA2R
3VATAR
AV4TAR
AVATAR (the V means 5)
The fastest land animal is me when I’m upstairs and hear my dog about to throw up in the living room
I’ve consumed so much raw cookie dough the Pillsbury Doughboy made a pass at me.
Blew my mind.
I’m a long-term thinker. For instance, the green bananas I bought will be delicious in 2 days.
[creating animals]
God- I want an animal with 2 humps
Angel- And a cute face?
G- Yes.. And make them spit at humans
A- LOL
G- LOL
went to get pizza for lunch and when the guy asked what i wanted to drink i wasn’t paying attention so i looked this man in the eyes and said “a side of marinara”
Stand way over there and let me tell you a funny fairytale. Once upon a time I ate all of your Halloween candy this morning.
Hey kids, please don’t wash the 13 glasses you’ve already left in the sink. Just grab a clean one next time you’re thirsty.
Ice cream cones are for when you would rather eat the bowl than wash it.
Conan: The US is on pace 2 b the world’s largest producer of oil. So if history has taught us anything, the US will soon be invading the US.
The UPS guy never wants to wrestle so I’m thinking about trying FedEx.
When you’re dirty and dripping wet, moaning from pleasure, you know those were some good chicken wings.
The calories of the third sandwich don’t count of the first two were delicious
ME: We’ve developed a fear of boy bands
WIFE: At the same time
THERAPIST: In sync?
TOGETHER: *screams*
[The shark attack sketch]
Him: I’m terrified of being attacked by a shark.
Her: You’re so dumb. The chances of that happening are less than one in three million. Lol.[fin]
A puppy can stab a girl in the face then steal her bag & she’d still be like, “Awwww a puppy.”