I just found out that there’s a dating site for people with mullets and the people who love them. Lol! *looks over shoulder* *signs up*
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boss: *walks up to find me staring at my computer, typing away*, I see you’re thinking hard about the new budget problem
me: *googling who would win in a fight between a pizza and a cheeseburger*, oh yeah, totally
My son has reached an age where he’s becoming curious about the human body, so I think I’m gonna have to drag it out of the crawlspace and bury it behind the shed.
Suggested my 10 y/o daughter pay for her friend’s birthday gift with her tooth fairy cash and she said, “No way, I sacrificed body parts for that money.”
[shark-filled moat]
ROBIN: golly, Batman, how can we distract them?
BATMAN: *pushing him in* we’ll think of something, chum
Me, seeing five little monkeys jumping on the bed: *closes door*
“Wanna go camping?” “No thanks, I have a house.”
*stops midway* wait….did you say shrek or shark
-me as a tattoo artist
[inventing worcestershire sauce]
Lea: We’ll bottle pickled anchovy juice and name it unpronounceable.
Perrins: That might work.
Once in third grade I karate kicked at a popular girl because she was making fun of me and my shoe flew off and went directly into her mouth. So, yes, I guess you could say I know a thing or two about martial arts.
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
It doesn’t matter if you’re filming a segment for TV or not, if you’re hanging out with Tom Cruise, at some point you’re jumping out of a plane
Toe: He just banged me into his dresser. Should I give him the most intense surge of pain he’ll ever experience?
Brain: Wait 2 seconds.
Called the plumber today to come fix my toilet but had to play it off like I didn’t know how all those wine corks got down there, so I blamed the cat.
Be the person nobody was prepared to deal with.
To hairstylist: [makes series of incomprehensible gestures around my head shape] so exactly that or I’ll cry
“Because of the number of nerve endings, a hangnail is among the most painful things a human can experience.” but the nurse completely ignored me and rudely continued telling my wife to push through the contractions.
Schrödinger’s Dumpster
how i like to believe my wife sees me when i get a jar open or kill a spider
“I don’t want to sound ungrateful, Carl, but I think I’ll get the bus to work tomorrow”
My 2yo calls pepperonis “Peppa Pigs.” He has no idea just how close to the truth he is.
[if my cat tweeted]
When “over 38” is sad and missing her boyfriend, I try and cheer her up by peeing on her shoes and puking on her phone.
We go together like unprotected eyes and a lab accident.
14: How do you feel about people of color?
Me: What do you mean? The same I feel about everyone.
17: But you hate everyone.
14: Wow. Just flat out being racist at the dinner table.
Me: Please shut up.
dad: you losing weight
me: are you asking me bc i look skinnier or because i changed my diet
dad: yes
“I’ll do it after I’m dead”
People that don’t know how death works.
“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
From mommies.
“How do they get inside?”
CAN’T U ASK WHY THE SKY IS BLUE HAVEN’T U WONDERED ABOUT THAT
The Flintstones will forever live on in our hearts and vitamins
who knew parenting would entail saying “pick that up off the floor” followed by “and don’t put it in your mouth” so often
I’ve discovered I own five umbrellas, if anyone wants to stage a musical number.
ME: You see that guy with the half horse body standing in the middle of that crowd?
FRIEND: Ugh. Yes… Let me guess, they’re the *centaur* of attention?!
ME: No. He keeps shitting everywhere and no one says anything