i just found that children’s tylenol is made for children, not out of children, and i feel relieved. but that could just be the tylenol…
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“So how did you two meet?”
“Unfortunately.”
Lady at the dollar store checked to see if my $20 was fake. Like if I could counterfeit money I’d be shopping at the dollar store.
Amish sext: I’m wearing that drab, full length nightgown that you bought for me at Ezekiel’s Secret.
I don’t want to be a millionaire, I just want enough money to be able to stare off into the distance while pumping gas.
[pretend restaurant]
4-year-old: what do you want ?
me: pizza
4: we don’t have pizza
me: what do you have?
4: nothing
me: I’ll have nothing
4: we don’t have that
me: *throws table* this is bullshit!
[when i was a kid]
DAD: remember, if a girl is mean to you, that means she likes you
[today]
MY BOSS: you screwed everything up this week you idiot
ME: sorry, i’m not really looking for a relationship right now
cruella deville’s mother being killed by dalmatians is the funniest possible origin story. like what if batman had said “i am going to wear robbers”
Maybe I only need some intents and purposes.
Me, off my meds, pitching a cartoon movie: OK, so, you know how most toasters are cowards?
*replaces birthday candles with flamethrowers for fun*
*wakes up in Emergency*
Go ahead, make fun of my cargo shorts
But we’ll see who’s laughing when you need a corkscrew, life raft, pillow or an extra tuna sandwich.
Girl: I will literally **kill** you
Tall guy: that is adorable, ilysm my lil beansprout
Short king (unsheathing his samurai sword): so it’s come to this
Got banned for life from McDonald’s for asking the cashier if the Filet-O-Fish was made of Mc-Erel
My dad loves to tell this story ab how when he was a kid his family passed Carlo gambino’s house on the way to church and his dad said solemnly “someday that guys gonna wake up with a bullet in his head”
You have to be careful making self deprecating jokes on twitter. Because you say something like “oh my gosh I’m so ugly!” And people are like “yes. But we love you!” 😂🤣
JON BON JOVI: Keep the faith
ME: Um, we’re gonna need to do more than that to beat this virus
JON: Bad medicine is what I need
ME: Can someone take Jon home please
The Ugly Duckling is my favorite story about how everything is okay as long as you eventually become hot.
What’s the opposite of mentos?
Lady fingers.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes
I put my thing down, flip it and reverse it
– me, plugging in a USB
Hey sorry I can’t make it that night. My wife and I have tickets to a Broadway show. Yeah a bunch of guys brought a giant ape over from some island and we’re going to go look at him
Have you ever just looked at someone and knew that their cornbread isn’t baked in the middle
You know your life has changed when you and your spouse spend over an hour breaking down the social scene of a 4yo’s birthday party like it’s an episode of housewives
One night stands just make more sense for single people. Why would you need a night stand on both sides of the bed?
Guess what? My husband doesn’t let me cook because I burn everything. Did I sneak behind his back and make fried chicken today? Yes. Because sometimes you have to prove yourself. Did I catch the kitchen on fire? Also yes
Sitting here at Starbucks, everyone looking at their phones and only one person’s noticed mine’s a calculator.
I have no sense of decency. That way all my other senses are enhanced…
Me: In this day and age, for a man to be preaching intolerance is unacceptable.
Wife: Big deal. So the doctor said you have to stop eating cheese.
Maybe your parents told you a watched pot never boils so you wouldn’t go around sticking your face near boiling water, idiot.
Husband’s at Costco and sending me pics of beef stroganoff in a pouch. That’s enough excitement for one night.