i just found that children’s tylenol is made for children, not out of children, and i feel relieved. but that could just be the tylenol…
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I’m spirituality evolved, but I also want to slap people.
Harry Potter: A Shortened Version
Voldemort: I must kill Harry Potter.
Everyone else: Lol, no.
Just had a drink at an airport Bubba Gump Shrimp Co and I’m appalled they don’t have a cocktail named Rum Forrest Rum.
[person having normal conversation with me]
Brain: that reminds me of a song, you should sing as a response
Titanic should have been called “Vacation Boyfriend”
“Sorry, could I just squeeze by?”
<person doesn’t move an inch>
“Thanks”
Love when a cop car pulls up alongside of me and I start thinking of every bad thing I’ve ever done.
IRONMAN 3 SPOILER ALERT: Tony’s all “pffsh whatever I’m Ironman” then he’s all “JARVIS HELP” then he’s sad but then it’s like whaaaaat.
Hell hath no fury like a woman not getting responses to her text messages while she sees that you’re continuing to tweet.
If elected mayor, I promise to put a giant, ship-crushing squid in every sea.
Battle of the bird feeder
Husband – 3
Squirrels – 85,678
I prefer to think that my proclivity to road rage has enriched my kids vocabularies rather than warped their tiny little minds.
Coca Cola: Because drinking black water seems like a solid life choice.
I’m sorry but did they sacrifice a human sized pop tart on live tv or was that a fever dream
Friend: Dude, you just ran a stop sign.
Me: No cop, no stop.
Friend: Why’d you just run over that frog?
Me: No cop, no hop!
Friend: Oh my god! YOU JUST HIT A JANITOR!
Me: NO COP, NO MOP!
Schrödinger’s cat wasn’t so special. I’m both alive and dead inside 24/7.
Year 2696.
Archeologists 1: *looking at cursive written on an ancient wall* Come here, I’ve made a discovery. What does it say?
Archeologist 2: If my translation is correct it says, “For a good time, call your mom.”
The hardest thing Vision has to do
Of course I talk to myself. I’m a great listener.
Mom
Mom
Mommy
Mom
Ma
MOM
MOMMY
MOMMYMOMMYMOMMYMOMMYMOMMY MOMMMMMMMMMMY
What are you eating?Xanax.
Cashier: I love your lip gloss!
Me: Thanks, it’s food court teriyaki chicken glaze.
I think it’s time to just let my eyebrows grow until they connect with my chin hair.
[11am]
Me: oh look, it’s sunny out.
Me: I should go running.
Me: or swimming!
Me: these Doritos are delicious.
Who decided that a clown popping suddenly out of a metal box would be a good toy for young children?
My “get up and go” got up and left years ago.
My son almost missed his plane because he thought his seat number was the gate number.
The same kid they said was *gifted* when he was four.
In hell, you wait for a ‘verify your email address’ email that never arrives.
Best Buy: What’s your street name? Me: FUNK MASTER FERG bia bia! Best Buy: No, the name of your street.
Apparently when your wife asks you to get your toddler off your bed she doesn’t mean knock him off with a pillow
Told my wife I wanted our kids every other weekend and she reminded me that we’re married & live together so I’d have to see them every day.