I just found that there’s such a thing as a cheese shop and now I’m changing my vacation plans.
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The joy you get as a parent when you buy a big pizza and garlic bread to share, but they don’t like it! 😍😍
My greatest magic trick is making stuff magically appear before me in the exact location my husband said he couldn’t find it.
Genie: If you say another word, your going to die.
Me: ʸᵒᵘ’ʳᵉ
Obama: Didn’t think he’d be late
Biden: I gave him the wrong address
Obama: Joe he’s the president-elect
Biden: idgaf what they call him
I could never succeed at chemistry. I Guess that’s why it’s called chemist “try”
Cause of death: Trying to draw eyebrows on the neighbor’s cat.
When your wife says “It’s up to you”, it’s not.
You’d think people would be more understanding it’s my first day as a tattoo artist.
[steps on scale]
Me *shrugs*: New year, more me
Synchronized diving would be far more interesting without the pool.
ME: but I got to the buffet before anyone else
MANAGER: that’s not how the first responder discount works
Some of you won’t be ready for pumpkin spice in 2 months and it shows.
Neighbor: Hi buddy, how you doing this morning?
My 3 year old: Good. My mom puts heavy things on me at night so I can’t move or get out of bed.
A weighted blanket. We gave him a weighted blanket.
Very funny, whoever wrote WASH ME in the dust on my box of condoms.
I’m so hungry I could eat this piece of paper.
*adds salt to resume*
*Dressing up like a School Lice Outbreak Notice for Halloween*
Me: *eating a handful of goldfish*
Everyone else in the pet store: *watches in horror*
COP: where were u between 1 and 2
ME: in a diaper
COP: i mean 1 and 2 at night
ME: sleeping in my crib?? idk
i put my exercise bike together, no spare parts, i am absolutely drunk on testosterone, i’ll never need another map.
Gf: *holding my secret second phone* what the hell is this for
Me: *uses it so my screen time doesn’t say 19 hours a day* cheating
Me: (seeing 16 walk into house shivering in short sleeve shirt) When you left the house, you were wearing your new hoodie. Where is it?
16: She didn’t bring a jacket. She was cold. She’ll just give it back to me tomorrow. Why are you laughing?
Stop staring at my chest! Geez dude, it’s like you’ve never seen toilet paper before!
REALTOR: You’ll LOVE this home-
ME: My dog doesn’t like it.
REALTOR: But I-
ME: [holding dog in realtor’s face] I TRUST HIM MORE THAN YOU
No point crayon over spilled milk.
I brushed my teeth without watching in the mirror and now my eyebrows are clean.
Why do eyes have little mustaches? And other things that vex me late at night.
Me *naked, singing into a shower head*
Karaoke manager: uh, we have a mic
ME: i want the ad to say “for sale: baby shoes, never worn”
AD GUY: oh wow that’s so sad
ME: totally. they’re so cute but my feet were just too big
Me too, bag. Me too….
[waxing salon]
ME: I need to make a waxing appointment.
ASSOCIATE: You want a Brazilian?
ME: No, I don’t need that many.