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@_definitlymaybe: I just gave my cat a bath.
Your move Satan.
@PissingLaughter: Fake moms- 'I never want to be away from my children'
Real moms- 'You drop that pizza, I'll put you up for adoption'
@RoastedPapad: [ Buzzfeed writer becomes a teacher ]
"Kids today we will learn Alphabets. Here are 26 Alphabets that will blow your mind"
@UniqueDude2: WAITER: Your honor, when I said "enjoy your meal" he said "you too"
ME: it was a mistake
JUDGE: he gets half your meal
J: you too
@ImSarahobo: Me:Did you have a ruff day?
Me:What? That was funny!
Me:Do you not like puns?
Me:I think I'm high.
Dog:Did you smoke my weed?
@ManJuggs: If I ever go to prison,
I'm gonna make damn sure everyone knows my street name: Butthole Teeth.