I just gave my cat a bath.
Your move Satan.
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This day sucked so bad I had to stop by the liquor store on my way to the bar.
*dies while ironically wearing a fedora*:
oh no, this is part of my forever ghost outfit now
I taught my 1yo how to turn on my mother-in-law’s dishwasher since she only uses it for storage.
WIFE: Did you buy eggs?
ME: Even better. I bought a goat.
W: How is that better?
M: *stares confusedly for a full minute* How is it not?
FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Oh ok never mind
Sometimes my southern accent sneaks out. Like just today I meant to say “You all” and instead I had sex with my cousin.
My kid said he was gonna jump off the roof using a blanket as a parachute and I was like “That won’t work you idiot. Go get my umbrella”.
I have the attention of a goldfish.
Seriously, it’s been watching me for hours.
Canada has crack?
Therapist: How are you feeling
Me: I think I’ve finally gotten over my agoraphobia. I’m ready to go outside and get on with my life 🙂
Therapist: Ok you’re not gonna believe this
Have kids so you can start your day with questions like, “mom, why do people clean toilets?”
“I need to get laid man!”
– eggs (in the chicken)
When you have the opportunity to become a bigger person, take it because cake is delicious.
“You can have sex with my sister over my dead body”
“Umm, I appreciate the weird offer, but I’m just gonna do it in my car”
a murderer snaps my neck but my body just slowly starts to turn neon green
Roger Clemens is pitching for a Texas team named the Sugar Land Skeeters? They sound more like an Atlanta Strip Club than a baseball team.
Ever since I bought this Queen mattress I’ve got shivers down my spine, body’s aching all the time.
coworker: what do u think happens after we die
me: when I die, nothing
coworker: what about when I die
me: I get arrested
Buck naked
Four year olds can’t even go for cigarettes or anything. Four year olds are useless.
[folds menu gently and sets down]
please may I have the applebee
There are two kinds of people here
1. Those who tried deleting another person’s tweet or reply.
2. Liars
You can’t choose your family but you can choose a hitman.
[Planning Rustic Vacation]
Me: Should we rent a cabin or a cottage?
Her: What’s the difference?
M: Well, cottages are usually home to witches who eat children; cabins usually contain partying teens who get murdered by a psychopath.
H: I meant in price.
I can count on one hand the number of times I’ve visited Chernobyl… it’s 14
HER: i’m leaving you
ME: is it because i get angry wrong?
HER: yes
ME: *balling toes* this is delightful
Me, for fun: What do you think you want to be when you grow up? Teacher, engineer, doctor, lawyer…
8, angrily: I have told you many times I WANT TO DELIVER PIZZA.
Me: Well, that’s considerably less stress. And tuition.
I remember being about 6 years old and my grandfather did an Easter egg hunt for me and my sister. We looked for hours and found nothing. He later told us it was to teach us a very valuable lesson: Easter is not in November.
Me: *disappears for a few weeks*
Friends: *No concern*
Me: *Posts inspirational quote on FB*
Friends: Dude, you okay? You need to talk?