I just gave my cat a bath.
Your move Satan.
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It’s polite to hold a door open for a woman, but no one specified by how much
God I love corduroy pants. If only the fire department would allow me to wear them
My youngest once got ahold of the scissors and gave herself a haircut. It wasn’t bad. So now every 6 weeks we casually leave them out.
Dating as an adult is hard because even when you do meet somebody you like there are very few opportunities to engineer a situation so that you’re cast opposite one another in a school play.
Her: You say you’ve directed shorts before?
[Earlier]
Me: BE PANTS, BUT ALMOST
favorite tropes as memes
Trying to get healthier, I took up shadow boxing. I’m getting a lot better at it, but so is he.
wowww it’s 2021 here in korea!! wanna know what the future is like?!!
– it is dark out
– everyone is asian
– my grandma is gently snoring
“snitches get stitches”
Me: *bleeding profusely* Hello, Cops? My brother stole Chapstick from CVS in 1997
I’m gods gift to women if god only shopped at Rite Aid.
Of course I care about the environment. I spray air freshener every time I leave the restroom don’t I?
I am HOWLING at this
what is your most benign unpopular opinion? i don’t mean like “the earth is flat” type of unpopular opinion, i mean like “I think golden retrievers are annoying” unpopular opinion
What do you mean that “you can’t monetize laziness and procrastination?”
Ever think about how carrots taste more like the color orange than oranges do?
my 10 year high school reunion is in August which means I have 2 months to lose 40 pounds and get engaged to Michael Cera
I started drinking more water and now all my workouts consist of walking back and forth to the bathroom.
One Mississippi… two Mississippi… just kidding! One Mississippi is quite enough.
At 2am, nothing creeps me out more than the shadowy silhouette of my 3 year old.
Once upon a midnight dreary, While I pondered my next mealy, Came an empty tapping, a rapping at my pantry door. Quoth the Ramen “ever poor”
we went from november 1 to november 15 in just 3 minutes
“Go ahead caller”
Why radio DJ’s should never work a suicide hotline…
Microsoft Word is the most sensitive thing ever. You move something half an inch and all the pictures move, 3 new pages inserted, fire alarm goes, thunder and lightning, volcano erupts, stock market collapses
Don’t describe two completely different things as “apples and oranges” they’re both fruit
Say something like “elephants and crystal meth”
Sephora employee: “you have 70000 points, you can choose from any of these things”
Note for writers:
If your characters are on the run from the law, they are “on the lam,” not “on the lamb.” Unless of course they happen to be escaping the cops by riding baby sheep to freedom.
‘Stealing someone’s coffee is called mugging.’
It’s wrong! If gay marriage is legal who will stop me marrying this painting of a horse. This majestic painting. Who will stop me kissing it
These days, I just want a manageable sandwich. Nothing that requires strategy.
I refused to ask a guy with a Blackberry what time it was because he doesn’t even know what year it is.